Friday, October 26, 2012

The Joys of LadyHood and the Rock Solid Case for a Vasectomy

(Just Google it if you don't know what this is. I can't talk about it.)
In this world, there are a handful of men who refuse to get a vasectomy after their wives are done having babies. For some reason, the 'ole "snip snip" scares them and they almost act like this safe outpatient procedure is similar to an amputation.  While nothing could be further from the truth, there is still no convincing the guys who flat out refuse to do it.  While this doesn't personally affect me, it still infuriates me. Why do I care? Because women must endure so much more throughout their entire life spans, starting at a very early age and I've come to the conclusion that not only is God a man but he has a twisted sense of humor when it comes to dishing out torture.

To set the record straight, I love men and I'm not here to bash you. This isn't about who does more housework, cooking, or errands. It's pure biology and for that, you cannot help that you are a male. Guys, you've got it easy.

Here is my case for why all applicable men should do the noble thing. Drive yourselves to the doctor with your heads held high (but not too high or the procedure might not work.)

1.  Bobby pins, barrettes, bows and patent leather shoes

2. Menstruation, bloating, cramps, headaches, mood swings. A wise woman (my mom) once said, "Every man in his lifetime should experience at least ONE period."  Is there nothing grosser than this, every. single. month? After getting mine for 34 years, you'd think that I wouldn't marvel so much about the grotesqueness that is MENstruation.  But I still do.

2. Freedom: You can sit with your legs wide open at work, at the ball field, or at a wedding without anyone calling the cops.

3. You will never hear your male ObGyn say during your exam, "You know, you can have this lopsided breast fixed". Oh wait, you don't have an ObGyn. Sorry.

4.Stirrups. Cold. Metal. Hard. Stirrups.

5. Lip waxing, eyebrow waxing, bikini waxing, plucking and shaving

6. Mammograms. Cold. Metal. BoobVice.

7. You're 12 years old. It's a hot summer day and you have "Your friend". All of your real friends are swimming but you are on the sidelines with striped gym shorts over your bathing suit and  Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret? tucked under your Shaun Cassidy beach towel pretending you have an ear infection.

8. High Heels

9. Post baby bra shopping and getting measured by a perky 24 year old

10. Peri-menopause: Insomnia, mood swings, memory loss, insatiable appetite, hot flashes, did I say memory loss?

11. Menopause: See #10

12. Leaky nipples, leaky bladders, leaky eyes from watching too many Rice Krispy Treats commercials

13. Pregnancy, Childbirth, AfterBirth. The pain, the weight gain, incontinence, the saggy droopy body that follows, the crying, the covering your sore nipples in the shower, never sleeping a full night, ever again. Until you die.

14. Spanx, thongs, under wires, pantyhose

15. Vag Rejuv

16. A closet full of ill-fitting Mom Jeans

17. An encyclopedia of Female problems: Fibroids, Endometriosis,  ovarian cysts,  infertility problems, yeast infections, HPV, tipped uterus, prolapsed uterus, lumpy breasts

18. Putting a maxi-pad on in the dark, the wrong way.

The Prosecution rests.

1 comment:

Gina said...

Awesome, Becky. And so true! Let's not forget what I like to call the bowling ball exam, while the guys bend over and cough. Yes, one period in every man's life would be wonderful.