Friday, October 26, 2012

The Joys of LadyHood and the Rock Solid Case for a Vasectomy

(Just Google it if you don't know what this is. I can't talk about it.)
In this world, there are a handful of men who refuse to get a vasectomy after their wives are done having babies. For some reason, the 'ole "snip snip" scares them and they almost act like this safe outpatient procedure is similar to an amputation.  While nothing could be further from the truth, there is still no convincing the guys who flat out refuse to do it.  While this doesn't personally affect me, it still infuriates me. Why do I care? Because women must endure so much more throughout their entire life spans, starting at a very early age and I've come to the conclusion that not only is God a man but he has a twisted sense of humor when it comes to dishing out torture.

To set the record straight, I love men and I'm not here to bash you. This isn't about who does more housework, cooking, or errands. It's pure biology and for that, you cannot help that you are a male. Guys, you've got it easy.

Here is my case for why all applicable men should do the noble thing. Drive yourselves to the doctor with your heads held high (but not too high or the procedure might not work.)

1.  Bobby pins, barrettes, bows and patent leather shoes

2. Menstruation, bloating, cramps, headaches, mood swings. A wise woman (my mom) once said, "Every man in his lifetime should experience at least ONE period."  Is there nothing grosser than this, every. single. month? After getting mine for 34 years, you'd think that I wouldn't marvel so much about the grotesqueness that is MENstruation.  But I still do.

2. Freedom: You can sit with your legs wide open at work, at the ball field, or at a wedding without anyone calling the cops.

3. You will never hear your male ObGyn say during your exam, "You know, you can have this lopsided breast fixed". Oh wait, you don't have an ObGyn. Sorry.

4.Stirrups. Cold. Metal. Hard. Stirrups.

5. Lip waxing, eyebrow waxing, bikini waxing, plucking and shaving

6. Mammograms. Cold. Metal. BoobVice.

7. You're 12 years old. It's a hot summer day and you have "Your friend". All of your real friends are swimming but you are on the sidelines with striped gym shorts over your bathing suit and  Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret? tucked under your Shaun Cassidy beach towel pretending you have an ear infection.

8. High Heels

9. Post baby bra shopping and getting measured by a perky 24 year old

10. Peri-menopause: Insomnia, mood swings, memory loss, insatiable appetite, hot flashes, did I say memory loss?

11. Menopause: See #10

12. Leaky nipples, leaky bladders, leaky eyes from watching too many Rice Krispy Treats commercials

13. Pregnancy, Childbirth, AfterBirth. The pain, the weight gain, incontinence, the saggy droopy body that follows, the crying, the covering your sore nipples in the shower, never sleeping a full night, ever again. Until you die.

14. Spanx, thongs, under wires, pantyhose

15. Vag Rejuv

16. A closet full of ill-fitting Mom Jeans

17. An encyclopedia of Female problems: Fibroids, Endometriosis,  ovarian cysts,  infertility problems, yeast infections, HPV, tipped uterus, prolapsed uterus, lumpy breasts

18. Putting a maxi-pad on in the dark, the wrong way.

The Prosecution rests.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Lazy or Industrious? You decide....

I do many things the long and hard way. I make pizza dough, chicken stock, and pretty much everything from scratch. However, there are many areas of my life in which I am just a lazy ass which just shows I am a mass of swirling contradictions. Or, am I just trying to find the right balance?

"How lazy are you?" you ask?
  • I am so lazy that if I drop my razor in the shower, I pick it up using my toes so I don't have to bend over.
  • I am so lazy that when I empty the dishwasher and find a fork that is still dirty, instead of washing it by hand, I put it back in the dishwasher. Said fork has endured at least 5 cycles and it's still not clean. And a mug with hot chocolate goop has endured 4 cycles because I feel it is the dishwasher's duty to make it clean, not mine.
  • I am so lazy that if I leave my shoes somewhere in the house and need to put them away, I slip them on my feet and walk myself to the closet. Again, so I don't need to bend over. (Also, I only buy slip on shoes so that this is possible).
  • I am so lazy that the other night I wanted to watch a new DVD. Removing the wrapper was too much effort so I didn't watch the movie.
  • If something is really funny and I don't have the energy to laugh I just say "LOL" instead.
How lazy are you?

Monday, October 15, 2012


Have you ever been at the gym and felt the need to text your BFF? Fear no more. I have come up with a new edition called Textercising.  If you missed out on the Christmas version, click here, or the Hurricane Irene version, click here.

(This blog is dedicated to Kristen and Julie who both know why. What happens in the locker room, stays in the locker room.)

Now, let's get moving. I will not be held responsible if you fall off the treadmill while texting any of the following. (I have you covered for the locker room chatter too.)

1. PWOT:  Picked Wedgie on Treadmill
2. MHIP: Munchkins Hiding in Pockets
3. MMATBA: Meet Me At Taco Bell After
4. SCOHISD: Suspicious Clump of Hair in Shower Drain
5. TOLASASAG: Two Old Ladies Are Sharing A Shower and Giggling
6. IPIS:  I Peed In Shower
7. RBJSCIU: Retina Burnin Just Saw Coworker in Underwear
8. LDAAT: Look Down At All Times
9. IFMFILR: It's Full Moon Friday In Locker Room
10. DTTMMCTLF?: Do These Tights Make My Camel Toe Look Fat?

Saturday, October 13, 2012

A Fond Farewell to a Fabulous CSA Season

This week marks an important milestone for Confreda Farms and Gardens. It is the final Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) pickup *sniff* sniff *  I have gotten really spoiled by farm fresh, unique, flavorful produce. I've photographed it, played with it, stored it, frozen it, donated it, used it for pot lucks, and found ways to cook things I've never seen before.

Mostly,  I was successful.  And other times, I bombed and wasn't brave enough to blog about it. Like the time I made kale chips and added too much salt. My kids were so excited about them (I know, very strange), but then ... it was just a big mess of salty crunchy kale. Inedible. I was so sad. My friend tried to salvage it by transforming it into a kale pesto/salt. We thought of many ways to use it but it wasn't meant to be.

I'll miss the kids playing with their food : )

I learned so much from this experience. I challenged myself to blog about it each week, sometimes more. It was sort of my own personal Julie and Julia project, without the weight gain and marital discord.  Here is a snapshot of what I learned from receiving a family CSA share.

1. A family share is a LOT of vegetables. If you are considering doing this next year and have a small family of 4 like me, then you may want to consider getting a single share.  OR, get the family share and split the cost with another family and divvy it up. It's really fun and creates a great sense of community.

2. The veggies lasted longer in the fridge than I thought they would.  Some items carried over into the next week and were still very fresh.

3. There are no limits to what a zucchini can do. 

4. Jarring food is easier than I thought and proved to be a great alternative to "eating it all" in one week.

5.  Never underestimate the power of a trip to the farm and a box filled with mystery. It will make your kids so excited about trying something new, even a whole jalapeno pepper which will make one of them dance around the house like a Mexican jumping bean. (He should have Stopped Dropped and Rolled.)

6. The following had never crossed my palate until the CSA: Wax beans, kohlrabi, baby Thai eggplant, white eggplant, purslane. Loved 'em all and will now be on the lookout in the grocery stores.

7. It is possible to manage your family sized share with only one refrigerator. Challenging? Yes. But completely possible.

8. I no longer like veggies. I LOVE THEM. 

Thank you Confreda's for a great experience and for broadening the horizons of the big and little people in my house.  We are all much better off than we were 4 months ago, thanks to you!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Apple Crisp: Who doesn't love it?

Who doesn't love a good apple crisp? If you've been apple picking or are a CSA member and have been lucky enough to receive some gorgeous Cortland apples, here is a great way to put them to good use!
The recipe calls for peeled apples but I get too lazy or busy and just slice them and leave the skins on. This is also more nutritious : ). And if you've never seen this classic Honeymooners episode on coring A apple, click here.

Apple Crisp
(4 generous servings)
5-6 Cortland apples
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1tsp to 1TBS lemon juice
1/2 cup water
1 cup sugar, or less if you want
3/4 cup unsifted all purpose flour
1/2 cup butter
Peel and slice the apples into a buttered 9 inch square baking pan. Sprinkle with the spices and add the lemon juice and water over the top.
Mix the flour and sugar, and work in the butter to make a crumbly mixture. Spread this over the fruit.
Bake uncovered in 350 degree oven about 1 hour, or until the fruit is tender and the crumbly crust is lightly browned. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream.
  • Use 1/2 cup white sugar and 1/2 brown sugar
  • Add 1/4 cup of quick cooking oats into the flour/sugar mixture before adding the butter.
  • Add some sliced toasted almonds.
  • Throw in dried cranberries or any frozen fruit you have on hand, blueberries, strawberries etc.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

CSA Members Reader Request: Tell us how you feel!

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, right? And when Confreda Farms gives you baby Thai eggplant, peppers, squash, tomatoes and apples, you make _____?

This has been the challenge each week. What to make? How do I eat it? How will I store it? And sometimes, What is that?!

I hope that our CSA members have found some useful tips in this blog. It's been a great learning experience for me and Confreda's would love to know how you feel about YOUR CSA experience.  Since they plan on expanding this program next year, your feedback is critical to its success and your happiness.

So, for this week's blog, you all have a mission if you choose to accept it. Please leave some comments below this blog, or even on the Confreda Farms Facebook page if you'd like. 
  • Tell us what you loved or didn't love about the CSA.
  • How did you feel about the selection each week?
  • Was the quality what you expected? 
  • How was your customer service experience at Confreda's?
  • Would you recommend it to a friend?
  • Would you get a family share next time instead of a single share, or vice versa? 
  • Did you find this blog useful? 
  • Are you going to have major withdrawal when it comes to a close?
Please share your thoughts and opinions. And thank you for being the Pioneers of Confreda's CSA program. It's been a blast!


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

50 Shades of Facebook, Part 3

Here is the third part in my series "Fifty Shades of Facebook".  If you've been living under a rock and missed parts 1 and 2, then click here . And then you can catch up here! But seriously, you can read them in any order, kind of like the actual 50 Shades books. Only the positions have changed.

Because we ended on #28 last time, here we go:
(Numbers 34-37 are credited to a loyal fan and friend, Rich Spinella!)

29.  The Jimmy Swaggart:  They are constantly quoting scripture or posting  something wonderful that happened to them today, finishing it off with "God is sooo good!"  (Like he's not good if something bad happened today? Just curious .....)

30. The Barry Manilow:  They only post song lyrics.

31. The Scrapbooker:  She posts Every. Single. Fart. Her kids do. Her positive pregnancy stick is her profile picture for 9 months straight. Until the placenta takes its place on the blessed day.

32.  Wendy Whiner:  She has virtually NOTHING to complain about and lives like a queen, but that's all she does. The world revolves around her.

33. Wendy Wino:  You're not really sure what this girl looks like because she only posts pics of full (or empty wine glasses). The glasses are either resting on a deck ledge, a baby changing table, or the dashboard of her car. The male version of this is The Jimmy Buffet. It's always five o'clock somewhere in his world.

34.  Poster Child: It goes something like this: "If you know someone who knows someone who might NOT know someone, then PLEASE repost this or you are clearly not that person's friend's friend. Let's see who really reads the post's posts!"

35. The User Manual - This person tells you how to use Facebook. "If you don't want people to see your post click the x in the right corner. Hit the icon that had the devil on it, turn three times with your hands in the air saying "Corn, Maize, Corn, Maize" now people can't see what you posted. Oh wait that's to make it rain on your imaginary Farm."

36. The Sandman: "Going to bed now", and you're saying to yourself, "It's 8 o'clock, I just got home from work!"

37. The Rooster:  "Good morning sunshines!" And she posts a picture of her coffee cup to make you feel like you're having a cup together.

38. The Paparazzi: They take pics of people in public doing suspect things like picking wedgies, eating hot dogs with their mouths wide open, or buying a David Hasselhoff CD.

39. The Happy Housewife: "Dear Hoover, you make me wanna be a better cleaner!"

40. The Unhappy Housewife; "How the f*ck does this thing turn on?"

41. The Licensed Joyologist:  They find happiness in just about anything.   "I just love how bananas come in their own special, portable package!"

In the home stretch. Will I make it to 50  Shades? Stay tuned!