Friday, November 12, 2010

It Takes a Village to Raise a Sugar Baby

My last blog really gave my mother too much credit (or blame) for creating this monster. Really though, like many addictions, other people should be blamed instead of any personal responsibility assumed by its rightful owner. Agreed?

I'd like to thank the following additional enablers who have supported my sugar habit along the way. Sorry Sugar Mama if you feel they are now stealing your thunder. They too shaped me into the true Sugar Baby I am today and to leave them out just wouldn't be right:

1. Mary Next Door.
She is the nicest neighbor known to mankind. Her house always smelled like the best chicken cutlets frying on the stove and her grilled cheeses would knock your leg warmers off.

But what I really liked going there for were her candy bars. You see, every time I entered Mary Next Door's house, I'd stand shyly next to her hutch drawers, just waiting to be asked the magical question all little red haired freckled girls long to be asked. "Becky, do you want some candy?" To which I'd reply in a meek voice, "Ok". Then I'd open the drawer to find the super size candy bars waiting to be ripped apart.

Thus began my love affair with the Milky Way.

Mary Next Door also gave out these same gigunda candy bars for Halloween. She never scrimped on the bite sized bars. No, she'd have a special box ordered just for this holiday and kids in drugstore costumes were being bussed in from all over for her candy.

2. My 8th grade gym teacher, Mrs. S.
I was always a very shy kid (imagine!) until I reached the 8th grade when I got contact lenses. My mom told me that people couldn't see my "pretty eyes" well enough under my Sally Jesse glasses. This was code for, "Sweetheart, you are wicked gawky looking and if I don't help you spruce up, you are going to be voted "Most Likely to be Found French Kissing Her David Cassidy Pillow in the Girls' Lav".

So, I got the lenses and they did wonders for my self-esteem. I got involved in many school activities and Student Council. Then my junior high experience peaked. Mrs. S bestowed the biggest, bestest responsibility that all kids dreamed of: The School Store.

The School Store was actually a glass counter top in the hallway. Inside laid the best candy, chips, popcorn, Doritos, you name it, oh and some school supplies... I think, but no one ever bought those. Back in the day, there were no obese children and schools could get away with selling crappy food to kids without the government intruding. It was glorious. (Oh, did I mention I'm now on the Wellness Committee at my son's school?).

So, you're thinking, "So what? You were in charge of a store that sold candy. It doesn't mean you actually ate it Becky, right?"

(See #3.)

3. My father, a.k.a. Sugar Daddy
While he was hyper vigilant about us eating everything green on our plates each night, his one mistake was his inattentiveness to his cigar box. He kept this baby on his bureau loaded with quarters. And I mean, loaded. Every morning after he left for work, I'd grab a handful of quarters and stuff my pockets. Come school store duty, I was ready to support my habit. I would literally buy 2 candy bars and a bag of cheese popcorn every single day and eat all of it before even going home. This was my healthy afternoon snack.
(Thanks Dad, for not counting your quarters at day's end.)

I am sorry if I have left out any Villagers who contributed to Sugar Baby's downfall. If you are reading this, please come forward and say your peace. The healing process has begun, big time.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Diary of a Sugar Baby

Any form of dessert has always been one of the most pleasant parts of my day, but now, I am starting to hate it. After this week's events and non-stop consumption, I can honestly say that I think the sugar has taken its Toll House on me. There was Halloween on Sunday, my husband's birthday the next day, a funeral and the family gathering the day after that. Toss in a bucket of candy glaring at me all week, and a "Ladies Days Situation" into the mix and there you have it, the Sugar Depression has hit.

Sound crazy? Well, it's true. If you eat enough of it, you will eventually get depressed. And the more you eat it, the more you need it and crave it. The converse is also true. Once you give it up (gasp), you don't miss it. But who can actually give it up? I think about going cold turkey all the time and then I feel too weak.

Sadly, there are Crack Babies, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome babies, and babies who end up with asthma from pregnant smoking moms.

And then there are the forgotten Sugar Babies.

History of a Sugar Baby

Born from a mother (called a Sugar Mama) who, as a youngster, got fired from a bakery for eating too much pastry. The same Sugar Mama who gorged on a Nutrageous bar in front of her starving prego daughter who was hooked up to an i.v for 5 hours waiting for her C-section to happen.

Sugar Mama is still going strong at 75 and is known for eating cookies in bed at 3am (we also call her "Frat Girl".) Sugar Mama never met a cream puff she didn't like and has been found passed out with powdered sugar on her mouth after eating too many Wandies. Surprisingly, she is not obese. Sugar Mama always gave her kids ice cream, jello, cookies, you name it. (She did cook healthy meals too, but this really isn't about that... for once.)

To make her Sugar Mama proud, the Sugar Baby eats some form of sweets every day. If available, she will eat cookies before (or for) breakfast. After every meal, she is again, seeking out something sweet. While her kids are playing, she hides in the food pantry and eats spoonfuls of peanut butter topped with chocolate chips. She always has room for dessert.

Sugar Baby misses those school fundraisers when they actually sold useful stuff like candy bars. Sugar Baby is convinced that her mother created this mess in-utero and that there is no cure.

I may be the first ever to create a 12 Step Program to help all the helpless and innocent Sugar Babies of the world.

All day, Facebook updates read things like:
"Hi, I'm Alex and I ate 10 Kit Kats today."

"I'm Shirley and it's been 2 hours since my last Reeses."

I know for me, there is no happy medium. I cannot eat just one of anything so today I decided I needed to dig deep within my soul instead of the candy bucket. I know that if I can just overcome the next few days, my addiction will be broken.

Anyone joining me on this torturous journey? Misery does love company!

What am I eliminating?

Any kind of dessert. Cakes, cookies, pie, candy, ice-cream. I am not sure if I will stop using the 1/2 tsp of sugar in my coffee.

My Strategy?

Every time I thought about hitting the candy bucket today, I drank water instead. If you're all smart, you'd invest in some Depends stock right now.