Sunday, August 18, 2013

Going Bald Down South

The life of a chemo patient can be a little dull and sometimes depressing. To combat the Chemo Crapfest, she needs to blog about certain topics to entertain herself and her Pink Sisters; the underground world of women who are all going through this journey together. They are ALL over and you should never, EVER eff with them. One thing I learned about all of the Pink Sisters out there? They pray. A LOT.  But they swear even more. It's really par for the course.  If they didn't swear or pray before their diagnosis, you bet they are doing it a lot now.

We swear, pray, laugh, share, cry, tease, encourage and talk about things that no one else talks about. Take, for example, Pubic Hair loss.

Yes, you heard right. Pubic. Hair. Loss. It's time we talked about the Pink Elephant in the Room.

It goes without saying that us Pinkies lose the hair on our heads. We learn to deal with it by either wearing a wig, scarf, hat, or many just go bald now. Thanks to the ones who paved the way and made it ok to be bald in public, many women are not self-conscious anymore and go au naturale. And honestly, if my head wasn't always so cold or at risk of sunburn, I'd go bald too. It really doesn't bother me the way it bothers the people who have to look at me.  Poor things.

In addition to going bald and getting used to looking at ourselves like Q-tips, we lose hair in other parts of our bodies. Makes sense, right? But I bet you never thought about this until now.  Now, to preface, I am historically a hairy Italian girl but thanks to chemo, I have not had to shave my underarms for over 2 months. Yes, I have totally hit the jackpot! And one morning I woke up and you'd swear the Sally Hanson Fairy had made a trip during the night because my moustache had magically disappeared. Oh joy! My legs however, are still clinging on to stubble and it seems my Italian roots are just way too strong for me to be completely out of the hairy woods. Nevertheless, I don't have to shave much at all anymore so that, too, makes me joyful. You see, there is always a silver lining!

Now, when all the above hair goes, it's nice. One less thing to "do". But then, the friggin eyebrows and eye lashes start to disappear. Not so funny! In fact, losing those seemed more traumatic to me because they were like my last ditch effort to look like somewhat of a female. Do you know how awkward it is to put mascara on 5 eyelashes? And drawn on eyebrows? Can you say "No wire hangers!"

 I officially gave up on mascara yesterday and decided that I would go for the Albino Qtip look. Plus, my mucus ducts are also messed up and don't really enjoy eye makeup, so whatever. If you see me looking like Sissy Spacek in the movie Carrie, have no fear. I really don't feel as sick as I look.

And then there are the pubes. I was excited when my bikini line no longer needed attention. One LESS thing to attend to. My beauty regime was shortening by the day. And then a few Pink Sisters, who shall remain nameless, forewarned me about the "Pee Stream" and how wayward it gets without the pubic hair there. I thought, "Oh Shit! One more thing for me to worry about, peeing down my leg!" I know this sounds totally wacky, but apparently it happens to many woman and not just the ones with gigantic urethras.  Allegedly, there is a group of elite hairs which help to keep the pee in the right direction!

Which harkens me back to something my wise dad always said to us growing up, and that is, "The pubic patch is there for a reason." Yes, I grew up in a very progressive, forward thinking household. Some parents kept everything "hush hush" while mine were extolling the virtues of pubic hair.  

Father knows best. The pubic patch IS there for a reason. I am not going into any more detail about why, just trust me on this one. I now have first hand experience.

So, this leads me to my final inquiry. If they have prosthetic boobs and "cranial prostheses" (wigs),  then why is there no Pubic Patch Prosthesis for the Pink Sisters? It could be like a mini wig you attach down there to help with the wayward pee stream and uncomfortable friction.  Like a Twidget Toupee or a Baby Bush. Ok, so they're both working titles. All suggestions are welcome below. Please help me launch my new million dollar idea! Do it for the Pink Sisters!

Disclaimer; I'd like to hold my chemo brain responsible for the content of this blog. Ah, who am I kidding? We both know that's probably not true.