Monday, August 20, 2012

50 Shades of Facebook: Part One

After logging my fair share of Facebook hours over the last 4 years, I have concluded there are multiple personalities on Facebook.  I've spent HOURS, wait, no, days with 397 "friends".  I have learned a lot; sometimes too much and oftentimes my retinas actually burn.

But I go on, like any loyal Facebook soldier does.

My powers of observation had gotten the best of me so I put them to work.  What started as a tiny list in my head has now exploded like a hot dog in a microwave.  (I feel a part 2 already calling.)

Do you recognize any of these people?

1. The Triathlete:

 "Taught 3 back to back Pilates classes today, then kickboxing!  Went by Delilah's school and totally rocked the PTO bake sale with my vegan, gluten free brownies.  After that I took Jimmy to his baseball game (he looks so cute in his uniform!) and to ensure no time was wasted while watching his practice, I did 1000 Kegel exercises. After that, we went home and I cooked a home grown, organic dinner that he gobbled right up (My little guy is awesome like that!), then did 3 loads of laundry, worked on my novel,  enjoyed a glass of wine with the Hubs while he rubbed my feet and then we really got busy (wink wink!). Phew, I don't know how I do it."

PS. There will be a photo album of the day's events, including a picture of her perfectly pedicured toes propped awkwardly near the Chardonnay glass.

2. The Podium Seeker: This FB friend uses Facebook as their personal political platform.  A post might sound something like this:

 "Dear Obama,
You suck.

No love,
Me."

Or:
"Mitt Romney really should get a wardrobe consultant, I'm wicked tired of his Grampa jeans and I know his approval ratings are suffering."

Or:
"My donut had very little jelly in it today so I returned it to Dunkin Donuts and got a refund. I will NOT be taken advantage of!"

3. The Debbie Downer: Don't read her updates if you're already on the ledge of a window. Hers read like this:

"Ugh! It's Monday, again. And it's raining and I forgot my damn umbrella. *Sigh*. Why me?"

4. The Mike Wallace.  With this FB friend you can guarantee an update at the very least, every Sixty Minutes.

"Jeremy just checked into the underwear department of Walmart"
"Marilyn just checked into OBGYN"
"Karen just checked into the driver's side of her car and is now going to run someone over".
"Sandra is at Midas getting an oil change"
 "Penny is on date night with hubby! Doesn't get any better than this LIFE IS SOOOOO GOOD!"

Or my personal favorite....
"Simon is in  Bed".

5. The Mother Teresa: Her updates are always heartfelt. She is either saving the whales, saving rain water in her blow up pool,  knitting caps for kittens, or raising money for someone's lisp. You can't not like this girl.

6. The Philosopher: They don't like to post personal things so they just post quotes. You look forward to reading them every day since they are your only form of spiritual guidance.

7. The Meteorologist:  "It's raining....again!"

8. The Sally Field:  Their updates are concocted solely for their own self-esteem . With each LIKE that is clicked, they squeal, "You LIKE me, you really LIKE me!"

9. The Seinfeld: Their posts are always witty and timely. They could be experiencing the worst trauma ever but you'd never know it. You keep this person in your news feed just to start your day off the right way.

10.  The Stalker:  This one will click "LIKE" to anything you post. You consider unfriending or blocking, but part of you likes the attention so you keep them on your roster.

11. The Oscar Winner:  When you read their updates, you almost feel like Merryl Streep's name has just been announced again.

"I'd like to thank the following for all their support during this very trying time. I didn't think I would make it through this morning when I lost my Mary Kay Fancy Nancy  lip gloss and my co workers really stepped up and helped me find it. You guys are just the best xoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo. *Sniff Sniff*."

12. The Stuart Smalleys:  They click LIKE on their own status updates.

13. The Over Sharer:  "Just took a massive dump"

Click here for Part Two

3 comments:

Luisa DeLuca said...

hilarious as usual, becky!

Debra Turner said...

Very cute. Hmm, how did we formally spend the time we now devote to Facebook?

Stephen Grande said...

Beck - if i was still on FB I would definitely "LIKE" this blog. Well, gotta go enjoy a Merlot while I am on the treadmill prior to my nightly dump. Love you. TT.