Parenting 101: You heard it here first!

I've only been a mom for 7 plus years now. No one tells you what it's REALLY like. Well, search no more. Here is what it's all about, up until now (at least for me anyway) in no order of importance or sense:

• knowing how to assemble and operate a breast pump in the dead of night
• wondering if your contortionist skills rival those of the Cirque de Soleil performers
• installing a car seat for your first baby in 3 hours (see 2ND bullet)
• installing a car seat for your second baby in less than 10 minutes
• delirium
• covering your nipples in the shower
• Using baby wipes to bathe..........yourself
• walking through Babies R' US moaning "Why didn't I invent that?"
• Lactation Consultants who manhandle your breasts to teach you the Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
• bite sized everything
• twitching
• being so tired that you'd rather pee the bed than get up during the night
• eating chocolate in the closet
• one minute picking out a crib, the next a pre-school and not being able to account for how you spent your time in between
• being held hostage by a toddler who ____ (you fill in the blanks)
• enjoying bubblegum toddler toothpaste a little too much
• coffee
• 30 minutes of dressing 2 kids in snowsuits, mitten, boots, hats.....5 minutes in the snow
• lowered expectations
• higher standards
• animated movies that are so wrong for kids
• endless story hours at the library
• wondering how you used to spend your "free" time pre-kids
• wondering when you'll stop referring to self in 3rd person ("Mommy's not happy!")
• feeling breathless every time you check your child in the middle of the night. You look at him and wonder what happened to the little baby you were just holding in the hospital moments ago
• step stools and examining their stools
• desperately seeking inspiration from your tea bag quotes
• Silly Bandz
• Ring around the Rosie
• neck pain
• beautiful
• breastfeeding on the toilet....and then answering the door to a mailman while baby is still latched on
• eating standing up
• hum drumm
• a "top five" list of what they like to eat posted on the fridge
• plastic mattress pads. for you too.
• kids eat free on Tuesdays
• a purse filled with buried crayons, gnarly granola bars, baby wipes and spare undies
• saving your C-section pain meds longer than necessary
• wishing there was a college major 20 years ago called Parenting, Toy Organization, and Dust-Bustering
• feeling like a Lego hoarder
• or just a hoarder in general
• worrying about the landfill
• crying
• Gummy Vites
• short order cook
• having a baby throw up in your mouth and still not being as grossed out as going to Chuck E Cheese or Walmart
• ABCs & 123s
• sticky
• avoiding the words "Play Date" as much as possible
• wondering how your other mom friends are getting advanced degrees while you haven't finished a book since y2k
• Groundhog Day
• sunshine times 1 million
• empowering
• boring
• deflating...in more ways than one
• lullabies with psychotic lyrics
• a drawer with 18 ill-fitting different sized bras
• 3000 Goodnight Moons
• never tiring of hearing the word "mama"
• sleep deprivation
• out of body experience
• yelling at big chooches in bouncy houses knocking your kid around
• wondering when your breasts moved to a new zip code
• like the Army; a lot of hurrying up, and waiting
• majoring in minutiae
• birthday cake for breakfast
• one.more.kiss.
• having more intimacy with your breast pump than your husband
• pure magic
• life changing
• mind altering
• body altering
• blissful
• memory loss
• did I mention memory loss?