It's My Cancer and I'll Laugh if I Want to

"Laughter is the best medicine."
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

"Cancer is probably the most unfunny thing in the world, but I’m a comedian, and even cancer couldn’t stop me from seeing the humor in what I went through. — Gilda Radner

Call me crazy, but I have never laughed so much in my life. I discovered that throughout this journey, I like laughing a lot more than crying. Don't get me wrong, the fears, the tears, the insomnia and the depression all take their turn. Sometimes, one has to stand in line while the others skooch to the front. And often, all four of the above are body slamming each other like Sumo wrestlers. 

I have come to accept that this is ok and every day is different. I find that making time for these emotions is a good thing, but I try hard not to let them overcome me and ruin my day.  Life still goes on and I don't want my household to feel like a dark and dreary place. Thankfully, I am surrounded by comedians and my family and friends all understand my twisted sense of humor and know just how to make me laugh. Thank you!

Endless doctors appointments, needles, biopsies, surgery, pain. All not fun or funny. Take, for example, my post lumpectomy body. No one really prepares you for the "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall" moment. Now, even though my breast is still in tact, it looks like a victim of a hit and run (and the guy did not have insurance so I'm not sure how my dents are going to fix themselves!) There is a 5 inch scar which is healing rather nicely but then there is this area between my armpit and breast which is swollen up like an orange. It's puffy, still numb and I can't get comfortable so if you see me walking around like I'm doing a salute, then you will understand. 

My husband affectionately calls this, my "Third Boob", or as I like to call it, "My Big Fat (sometimes) Hairy Armpit", coming soon to a theater near you.  See, that's funny, right?

And then there is the most exciting fashion accessory ever invented for post Breast Cancer surgery. 

The Tube Top. Or I call it, the Boob Top. I feel like a sausage in its casing, but it's my saving grace!

Other things are not always "Ha Ha" funny. Like the time I called a doctor's office for some crucial test results. I had been waiting the alotted time, very patiently. The front line office gal answered the phone and I spent approximately 82 seconds explaining my need for the results, I was borderline sobbing. After I finished my dissertation, her best, immediate reply was, "WHATCHYERDATEOFBIRTH?" Yes, this is the best she could do. 

Really? Someone is crying on the phone and that's all you got? You can't acknowledge this person's fears and say something like, "Oh dear, this must be a tough time, let me check on this for you." That's all I really needed to hear. Not, "WHATCHYERDATEOFBIRTH?"  Are you an EFFING robot? 

At that moment, I was furious and annoyed. But now, I find it very funny that someone is that ignorant and really has no other weapons in her arsonal. I discovered that "WHATCHYERDATEOFBIRTH" is the universal pat response from every health care professional just trying to do her job.  "Funny, Ha Ha"?  Not one bit. In fact, that's another blog all together.

Finding humor in dire situations has been one of my best coping mechanisms so far. If laughter is the best medicine, then my Cancer is going to be cured sooner than I thought!

The Strangeness of Kind People: A Cancer Etiquette Guide

Before I talk about the odd things that people say in response to your Cancer diagnosis, let me first say that I was probably one of those people who responded with an inappropriate, but well-meaning comment before I, myself was diagnosed. I think that people really do care but sometimes, just don't know what to say. Nothing kills the mood more at a party than telling someone you have Cancer!

I am no expert on Cancer Etiquette but I am quickly realizing there are just some things you should or shouldn't say. 

In the category of things you like to hear:

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry to hear this news! Are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?"

"I will pray for you. Is it ok if I put your name on a prayer list at my church/synagogue?" (I always say YES to this one. The more prayers, the better!)

"I can help you if you need a ride to an appointment, I can cook you a meal, help with the kids, etc" (Be  specific in what your useful skills are to help the person out. One friend offered to clean my house but instead I asked her to come over and give me a manicure as that is her trade. Plus, I really look forward to some girl time that doesn't make me feel like a "patient").

"I want to say something positive to you but I don't even know what to say". A mom at school actually said this to me and I responded, "You just DID say something positive by showing me you care." If she had stayed silent and never spoke to me about it, I would have felt she didn't care. Don't be afraid to speak to me. I won't break! I may cry, but that is ok. I'm probably due for one anyway.

"I am here for you and I will keep sending you positive thoughts and energy".

"You are very strong and I know you will get through this. We are all here to support you and you won't get through this alone."

In the category of things you don't need to hear:

"How did this happen to you? You're so healthy and do everything right!"

"Well, they caught it early so you'll be just fine." (You don't know this for sure. Cancer lives in the body for a long time and everyone's case is so unique. Don't be so flip.)

"My cousin had Cancer in his testicles and he did great!" (Yup. Boobs, balls, all the same).

"My sister in-law had half of her esophagus removed and then had chemo. You'll be fine, just like her!"

"Cancer is a gift!"

"I swear there is something in the water! You are the 2nd person this week to tell me this."

"Wow, I've had this growth on my leg, can you look at it?"

And the prize for the stupidest comment to date:

"I think you are cursed"

So, there you have it. My first Cancer Etiquette Guide, from me to you.  Share it with anyone who suffers from diarrhea of the mouth. 

Don't Let Fear Destroy Your Life and Your Health

Since my Breast Cancer diagnosis just about a month ago,  I've had the opportunity to talk to a lot of women about their own issues and self-detection. As I previously wrote about my own detection, I just knew something was wrong in my gut, but there was something else that happened in February that I forgot to include in the "announcement" blog. 

My husband and I took the kids to the Boston Museum of Science and they had a phenomenal section on Breast Cancer. They actually had a "Touch and Feel" section of 2 different breasts that were sort of rubbery. One had a Cancerous tumor and the other had just a benign cyst. I remember feeling the one that was Cancerous and having that "Ah-HA!" moment. It felt just like mine did and that moment stayed with me until I finally brought myself to the doctor 2 months later.  Again, I think I was in a bit of denial and fear, ha...just a bit. Keep in mind, my mammogram from December was just fine and I was told to come back in one year. I had that information in my head, trying to rationalize that I didn't need to go to the doctor because the mammogram wouldn't lie, would it? 

FEAR.

It can make or break you. In my case, I faced it and took care of it. I didn't prolong it any further. However, many women are so paralyzed by fear and denial, they never go for mammograms, Pap smears, or physicals. They may take very good care of their roots, their nails, their makeup and their body hair. But the insides of their bodies are totally neglected.  

And at this moment I am going to quote a very wise BFF, nurse, and overall superb human being:

"We do not live in a third world country and there is no excuse for ANYONE to NOT have a mammogram." (Just Google "Free Mammogram" if you don't believe me.)

She is absolutely, 100% correct. She and I have heard stories of women bragging about not having a mammogram for 5 years, and being "just fine". Well, you know what Missy? You are just lucky, that's all. 

Having a cavalier attitude about your own health can destroy your life. And if you neglect it for so long and then expect your body to bounce back, you are sadly mistaken. Do not take your body for granted. Please! 

One out of eight women are diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  Look within your circle of friends right now. Do you know someone in that circle who has Breast Cancer? I looked inside my own circle a few month ago and realized I did not have a friend with Breast Cancer. Well, what do you know? I have just fulfilled the quota within my circle.

I'm not trying to invoke more fear. That will just paralyze you. I am trying to get you to take the action you need. I want you to talk about your checkups with your girlfriends, aunts and mothers. I want you to be the one to start that conversation about health and wellness. I want you to pick up that phone and schedule those exams, like you schedule your weekly nail appointments and your Girls' Nights. 

I am the girl who never smoked, drank, or used drugs. I cook mostly everything I eat, I stay within a healthy weight range, have yearly physicals, mammograms, etc. I am not perfect. I eat too much sugar. I don't sleep enough and probably could exercise more. I didn't think I would get Breast Cancer but I did, even after leading a healthy life. I don't dwell on why or how I got it, that is not very productive at this stage of the game. I see people all around me destroying their bodies and they don't have Cancer, but I do. I am not bitter or angry. What makes me angry though is people who think they are invincible to disease and don't take charge of their bodies and full advantage of the superb health care we have in this country.

"We do not live in a Third World country".

Remember that. Please. 

Girls Gone Wild: Suburban Style

Amazing things happen to you when you tell your friends and family you have a disease like Breast Cancer. Suddenly, you realize just how much you matter to people and there are no limits to what people will do for you. First, there are flowers and candy, and brownies (both milk and dark chocolate; SCORE!), Edible Arrangements, cards with words of encouragement, donations made in your name, banana bread, Alex & Ani bracelets, meal deliveries, Angel pins, and Holy Water ("Rub it all over your chest!"). One friend offered to shave my bikini line (no thanks!). Some friends offer to rub my back.

And then some want to rub my front.

Yes, it seems that my tumory breast has now become its own little public service announcement. For a girl whose breasts have never gotten a second glance, now they are getting felt up more than a Sophomore on prom night.

So far I have "Gone to Second" with at least 5 of my women friends who have been so shocked and upset by my news that they needed to see and feel a Cancerous tumor. Sure, they have read about "the signs", but seeing and feeling is another story.

It usually goes like this. I share my news. Then we dash into the bathroom together where I lift up my shirt and then we both look in the mirror, comparing the normal boob to the abnormal boob. And then they feel the lumps and say something like "I didn't expect it to feel like that", or "Your right boob is giving me the stink eye. Make it stop!"

(Side note: Does this make me a lesbian?)

Anyway, you can call me a freak, a hippy, a free wheeling, fancy free kinda gal. (I have seen my share of topless beaches), but seriously, in the words of Jerry Seinfeld,  "It's a nipple. A little round circular protuberance. What's the big deal? See everybody's got them. See I got them."  It's no big deal!  For you men reading this, boobs were meant for feeding babies and somewhere along the way they became these sexual objects.  Tsk Tsk!

So this is what goes on in suburbia, or shall I say, "Suboobia".  If this type of behavior continues, I may have to start my own site called "YouBoob". 

Becky Goes Braless

"Take it in stride", she said.

"She" was the technician who I have come to know over the last few years from my yearly mammographies. She knew I was scared and as I walked out that fateful Tuesday, these were her final words to me.

I thought to myself, "Jeez, that's easier said than done, right?" and then I thought even deeper about it. Was there a hidden message in there? I have done the "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" walk countless times in the past, and now I am being told "Take it in stride".

Is this some sort of hidden message? Was she giving away my diagnosis before the doctor would even call me later that day? I felt like I was part of a secret society now.

Who knows?  God knows, taking each of these steps in stride is NOT easy.

As of this morning, I was joyful, ready for the next step on Friday and sitting in Burger King with my parents and son having coffee. (It's only $1.00 and it's good, don't judge me.) I got pissed off at my bra (even the Genie bra has been uncomfortable lately) so I channeled my deceased Auntie Marie and took that thing off right in the middle of BK. Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the Genie Bra, it has no hooks and is much like a sports bra, so it's not as easy to take off in public. I managed and before you know it, that pink baby wormed its way down my legs and sat at my feet. My father was chuckling as he ate his sausage and egg biscuit, my 5 year old was unphased, and my mother had scrambled eggs spewing out of her mouth.  I felt much better now. Today was going to be a great day!

Then the cell phone rang. It was the doctor's office and there had been a change of plans. It turned out the MRI results showed another suspicion in the "axillary area" which would need to be ultrasounded and biopsied tomorrow a.m. Here we go again, I thought. Back to square one. More tests, more waiting, more agita, more wanting to throw up every time the phone rings, more not sleeping, and more pacing.

Sure, I'll just take it in stride. 

I keep telling myself that my agita will go away once I have all the answers and I can handle whatever comes my way. I know this is just another bump in the road and a test to see just how much patience and strength I have. Many people who are in the middle of a diagnosis say that the worst part is the waiting and once they know what they are up against, they can deal with anything.

I would agree with that! This road sure is bumpy. It turns, it twists, and it goes down the majority of the time like a runaway freight train.

This girl is now freed from her shackles and is going Bra Commando. "What's that flapping in the breeze?" you ask. It's Becky Going Braless, once again. And if you can get away with it, I highly recommend it! Just watch out for those speed bumps...

My Left Boob: Taking Matters into My Own Hands

I have been very absent. Have you missed me? A lot has been happening and I thought it was high time I updated my loyal followers.

The short story is, I have Breast Cancer. I found out for sure 11 days ago and when I utter this phrase, I still feel like I am talking about someone else. Unfortunately, it is me, not that I would wish this on someone else, but you get the idea.

I wasn't sure about "going public" with this news, but then I thought my experience might help some other woman out there, even if it's just one, she should know what I am about to say.

How it was discovered
I went for my yearly mammogram in December 2012. It's like my annual Christmas present to myself. At the time, I had just started noticing a dimple on the left side of my left breast and I almost thought I felt a lump too, but thought I was imagining things. You see, as a 45 year old who has nursed 2 kids, I no longer knew my boobies. They had become utter strangers to me. They felt different and I never really knew what was a "lump" or what was just a temporary something else. (I'm kind of shaking as I type this and I feel my blood pressure rising but I need to get through this, all of it.) Long story short, I told the technician who didn't seem concerned and just did her job; that is, squeeze the shit out of my 34A sized fried egg into a vice. I received a call the same day to come back and do a "retake" because the side I had questioned myself, was also not looking normal. They did not scare me, just "come back because the picture isn't good enough."  So, I mildly freaked out and went for the retake. This time, the pictures looked just fine and I was advised to come back in one year, that would be December  2013.

The New Year came and went  but the crease and lump did not. I would stare at myself and think, "Well, I'm getting older, things are getting saggier. Maybe that is why there is a crease." But why wouldn't the other boob follow suit? That one was not showing the same signs.

And then I'd be watching T.V. and find myself touching the lump, over and over again. "Is it really there?" I'd ask myself. I thought I was going nuts and I rubbed that lump so much, I thought I created it! Subconsciously, I could have been scared out of my mind and was paralyzed by it. I was also  having occasional pain in my breast and arm pits. And in the mean time, I spent time with my West Coast sister in-law who had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer less than 2 years ago. She calmly said, "If something doesn't feel or look right, just get it checked to give you peace of mind".

I finally had my annual physical in early April. I mentioned the crease/lump to my primary care physician (who doesn't normally do a breast exam on me) and immediately he said to contact my OB.

I made an appointment with her asap. Upon examination, she ordered an ultrasound. I went for the ultrasound and an exaggerated mammogram on a Tuesday. I then had to take the kids to the dentist. At 5pm I walked in the house and my phone was ringing. You guessed it. My doctor was on the line telling me there was a "suspicious mass near my chest wall". She ordered a biopsy and immediately gave me a list of breast surgeons.

I knew right then it was Cancer. I woke up during the night sobbing and all I could say to my husband was, "I'm terrified".

The next 3 weeks were filled (and still are) with nothing but fear, anxiety and sheer terror. Two areas had been biopsied and both tested positive for Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I am scheduled for a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy this Friday and we will know more soon about the course of treatment. In the mean time, the kids still need to be fed and driven around and life goes on. I am putting my best foot forward but I'm not gonna lie, it's like being on an elevator to Hell sometimes!

I have so much more to say and hope to keep this topic going. There are several morals to this story:

1. Touch yourself as often as you want
2. Trust your gut. It will never, EVER betray you. I listened to mine and I am so thankful I did.
3. Take care of yourself! Yes, you, the one who is always taking care of everyone else or is afraid to go to the doctor. Get your yearly PAP, Mammogram, Colonoscopy, whatever it is you are supposed to do. Just friggin do it.

I am extremely blessed to have a wonderful husband, incredible parents, and a huge network of family, friends, and neighbors to help me through this. I am not sure where the road ahead is leading but I am grateful that I do not have to travel it alone. 

I've Come a Long Way Baby

So, my kids like to draw pictures of their mother.
Here I am, in their eyes. I am calling this, the Evolution of Woman.

The 9 year old's version

I start out with big lips, big head, short skirt. I am holding a frying pan and, as usual,
 I am in the kitchen, or as I like to call it, my cubicle.
 

 The 5 year old's version 

I have a penis and my own broccoli tree.

Kid's a genius.