Rah Rah for Ta-Tas! Becky's New Boobs Are Born

Today is the day! April Foob's Day has arrived! If you haven't been reading my posts on Facebook, here it is. Today is the "exchange surgery". This means that the silicone, temporary expanders inside my chest will be taken out and swapped out for softer, silicone implants. I have had the expanders in since October 18, when my double mastectomy was performed. In the beginning, they were hard to get used to. In the middle, I got used to them. Now, I feel like if I have to go one more day with these mothers in my chest, I'm going to have a breakdown. I can't do yoga anymore, sleeping is next to impossible and I honestly look freaky now. I feel like I have 2 cantaloupes strapped to my chest at all times.

I am so done. And considering today is April Fool's Day, I've renamed it as April Foobs Day. I Googled this left and right and I do not believe anyone has coined this day as such. Now, it is official. You heard it here first, my darlings.

So, I look upon this day as the final chapter in my trilogy of surgeries. First, there was the lumpectomy, then the mastectomy, and now, we've come full circle with making me as whole as I can be with the new girls. I've been very lucky up until this point, having had zero complications, infections, or bumps in the road. I know some women are not so lucky and this process can take much, much longer, causing heartache, pain, and disappointment. I know they soldier on, in whatever way they need to, as there really is no other choice. 

Choice. It's a good thing, right? I made my choice to have the double because my lumpectomy surgery showed there was extensive DCIS still present outside the margins. Despite one of my doctor's suggestions to "do more tissue removal" and radiate it, I concluded (with the help of my awesome plastic surgeon) that I would still need reconstructive surgery either way. It was a hard decision but I knew it was the only one that made sense for me. The doctor who wanted to do tissue removal actually said, "You know, there's something to be said for the natural state of a woman's breast".

Whaat? Did he really say that? Yes, he did. And I was too in shock at the time to even respond. Did he think I was doing all this to get a free boob job? Sure, I'd love to be able to feel my natural breasts once again and have some sensation. However, if those breasts are out to kill me, then they're really not worth keeping now, are they? Don't make me feel worse by saying a natural breast is "better". 

They say, "Don't look back. You're not going there". And, "If you don't bury the past, the past will bury you."  I really love these 2 quotes. There is no turning back time now, and that's cool because I feel that the worst is behind me now and the future is full of hope and promise, even without my natural breasts. 

My previously slightly saggy A cups are being upgraded now. I'm trading up and I deserve it. Stay tuned for the "after" blog and thank you for reading and supporting me. You are all like a great bra! 

Another Blog Where I say F*CK and Fat

Losing weight while taking Tamoxifen is like:

A. Shoveling shit against the tide

B. Cleaning up after your kids while they are in the middle of playing

C. Shoveling snow during a blizzard

D. Being a one legged man in an ass kicking contest

(credit my big brother for that last one)

All of the above, my friends.  

I need to talk about this topic because it's been weighing heavily on me for too long. Well, actually, just a few short months but it feels like an eternity since I was thin. I wish I knew how skinny I was when I thought I was fat, if that makes any sense, because now I am technically obese and way out of my recommended weight range. Forty pounds over to be exact.

I went to my doctor 2 months ago and all we talked about was my weight. He kept trying to drill into my head that I need to "Break through my exhaustion" and exercise because not only will I feel better and lose weight, but I'll start to sleep better too, which helps the exhaustion cycle.  Now, I am not stupid. I have a scale and a mirror, both of which haunt me daily. I have never been this overweight in my life (not counting 2 pregnancies where I gained 42 lbs each time, but then eventually lost it.)  And to all those girls who are trying to shed baby weight? I really have no sympathy for you! Sorry. That was a fucking piece of cake compared to this.

Did someone just say "cake"?

Anyway, with each chemo cycle I gained 5 lbs. There is 20 lbs, right there. There were 3 days of steroids for each chemo cycle which certainly did not help. Then, chemo ended and I had a "break". A month later, I had a bilateral mastectomy and my most strenuous form of exercise was doing arm circles in the shower. Two weeks after the surgery, I started on Tamoxifen and since then, 20 more lbs have been added for a grand total of 40 extra pounds. (Peppered in between all of that was Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, just sayin.)  Now, there are some girls (I know of only 3, and I know a LOT of pink ladies!), who never gained an ounce. In fact, they lost weight. Just so you know, if they weren't such nice people, I'd hate them and I don't know why some gain and some don't. But the majority of women who are in my age group or older have gained weight. We are the peri-meno or menopausal women. The cards are stacked against us. We are thrust into instant menopause and suddenly, we have these fucking bellies that popped out of nowhere. Not a day goes by where I am not grunting and groaning every time I bend over, get out of bed, or haul my ass off the toilet. That alone is a fucking workout! Trust me, all the skinny cancer patients you see in the movies must have another form of cancer. 

I told my doctor, "I'm a skinny person trapped in a fat person's body!" He thought this was hysterical. Sure. He has a fucking 32 inch waist and has no idea what I am dealing with. Twerp.

Can you tell I am angry? I am. I've really not been angry throughout this "journey" but now I am. I could deal with all the garbage this journey put on my lap.  But now, being fat after all that I had to go through, well, it's just a big kick in the tits! And again, I'm speaking for many. It's not just me. We have been through enough already and now, we are supposed to deal with this next mountain in front of us when we are not only sapped of energy and strength but we are dealing with mood changing drugs, unpredictable appetites, strange body aches, crazy cravings, trying to get back to "normal", whatever the hell that is. And yes, sure, let's just plow through and lose 40 lbs now.

So, I'm doing everything I can to lose weight. I joined the LiveStrong program at the Y. I've been working out 4-5 days/week, sometimes more. I've cut way back on sweets, eating more fresh fruits and veggies. I even make my own granola! And do you know what? I think my granola was making me fat. Sure, it was homemade, but it had maple syrup and coconut oil; all well and good, but I am not really known for my portion control so a few too many handfuls during a stressful Breaking Bad'athon and the next day the scale would be scorning me, once again. Sometimes it seems I just look at food the wrong way and I gain weight.

But I am determined. Not only do I HATE being fat, I do not want to spend money on new summer clothes. So, I took my journey a step further and signed on to MyFitnessPal, again. It's a lot like Weight Watchers, only it's free. Plus, you can add your friends and cheer each other on as you add in your exercise for the day and track your food. It's very easy to use and keeps me conscious, once again.

I had this blog in a draft and wrote it when I really was angry. I've since turned my anger into action because  hanging on to anger, stress, bitterness, and "why me", does not do a body good. Cancer cells despise happy people but it loves miserable ones.  

I look back on pictures from the beginning, just 10 short months ago. The girl on the left was skinny and she had cancer. The girl on the right? She is cancer free. Which one would you choose to be?

I choose me. Now.

I can't look back because I'm not going there and that is definitely a reason to be happy!

Pink Sisters Going Viral!

I never really ask my readers to do anything for me, except well, read my blog. I always hope that it entertains or gets people to think about things they don't normally think about, like how to use a (clean) peeled maxi pad to unlock a frozen car door in a crisis. You know, the important stuff!

If you are in a hurry and don't have time to read the back story below, just click on this link and watch this video. And then, please share it with at least 10 friends!  Hint: Dancing boobs and some really hot bald chicks to inspire and entertain you! Now just watch it! It's less than 5 minutes.

Today, I'm asking for a favor on behalf of 238 women. They are all Breast Cancer survivors, warriors, and overcomers. They are great ladies ranging from 20's up to 60's. They are from the U.S, Canada, the U.K., Australia and beyond! They are mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, and aunties. They matter to a lot of people, including me. They are my friends. 

We are the Pink Sisters.

(Ok, this isn't exactly what we look like. However, some of us would love these outfits on any given day if we are having a really bad hair/bald day and our old clothes no longer fit us.) If you want to see the REAL PINK SISTERS, watch the video!

I met them on Facebook early on in my BC journey. It happened quite by accident when I got my iPad from my family and friends after my diagnosis. I was exploring apps that might be helpful to me and I found one called "Beyond the Shock".  It was my go to place for answers during a time when everything was so overwhelming and confusing.  From time to time, I would post a question and other ladies would answer me with their experience. What I loved about the group is that no one told you what to do or was giving medical advice. Just shared experiences and I never felt alone.

Then, a few girls on the site mentioned there was a private Facebook page called the Pink Sisters. It was more of a personal group where we could get to know each other better aside from breast cancer. So, I was added to the group by a lovely girl named Leah. Thanks Leah!

Since then, I have remained in daily contact with these girls. Being the Facebook junkie that I am, I check in with them first thing every morning, even before my morning coffee. I've gotten to know many of these ladies virtually. Some of them are from my home state but most are not. I've even Facetimed with a few and have had great laughs getting to know them.  We pray for each other when one is undergoing a surgery or scary treatment. We ask the strange questions we are afraid to ask our doctors and we don't feel so freaky. That's all I'll say about that topic. For now. The Pink Sisters just "get it"; the good, the bad, the ugly. Nothing is off limits!

So, how can you help us? Well, the Pink Sisters would LOVE to meet in person. We know that is next to impossible considering our geographical situation! But, one wise sister thought it would be a great idea to contact Ellen Degeneres to see if she would fly us out there to be on her show during the month of October, Breast Cancer Awareness month. We want to fill her audience with breast cancer survivors and their families so we embarked on a letter writing campaign and we also made this YouTube video to show the faces of breast cancer. One thing all of these women have in common is they smile, even during the worst times! Their strength and courage help keep me going when I get down.

We are asking all of our family and friends to watch and share the video. We have contacted Ellen's show already and gone through the proper channels. However, we really don't know if they will contact us. We need to be politely persistent and hope you can help spread the word by making this video go VIRAL! So, please take a moment to watch and share this inspiring piece!

Listen. If Sophia Grace and Rosie can get on Ellen for drinking tea in their tutus, then so can my Pink Sisters! Won't you help us realize our dream? Thank you so much!

The Blog Where I say F*CK a LOT

You know what I hear a lot? These words:

"Your honesty is so refreshing!" 

People seem to love the raw, honest truth. I'm not so sure you are going to like hearing my following honesty and if you are offended by the F word, then you might want to find one of those mommy scrapbooking blogs to balance out all the naughtiness you are about to read. 

I do believe honesty is important 99% of the time. For example. I recently bought a dress which was very beautiful and at a great price.  This was for an upcoming wedding. When I tried it on in the store, I tried to convince myself that it looked good on me. Considering I'm dealing with a 35 lb weight gain, I thought this is the way my fat self was supposed to look. Something inside me didn't really love how it looked but I bought it anyway. I later tried it on for my friend Michelle, who should really get on "What Not to Wear" as a consultant. As soon as that dress was over my head, she said, "NO, that's not the right cut on you."  I have to say, for a split second, the truth hurt. But then I got over it. She was so right and then offered up one of her many dresses for me to wear to the wedding. She could have totally lied to my face (like the sales girl did), but a good friend is honest. I think everyone needs a friend like Michelle!

Having said that, I'm now going to be honest about my hair and how I feel about it. I fucking hate it. Yes, I fucking hate it, most of the time. Like 98% of the time.

Before it grew back, people would say: "You know, my friend had cancer and when her hair grew back it was so curly!" No SHIT SHERLOCK! I never heard THAT one before! Thank you for the heads up!! I did not know that it could grow back curly!

I'd like to respond to that statement sometime with:

"Yes, it's amazing how it grows back curly on my head, but did you know my pubic bush is poker straight?"

That'll fix 'em. What is up with that anyway? Pubes are supposed to be curly, dammit! Now it's like they fucking took up residency on my head!

I know what you are thinking and what you would say to me now. 

"Becky, you look elegant!"

"I think you are stunning"

I have just one question for you and please, take no offense.

Are you high? Do you REALLY think this hair do is pretty? Or are you saying that to make me feel good and you're just happy not to look at my bald head anymore?

(And where the fuck are my eyebrows?

A different friend named Michelle (also a Pink Sister), has often said, "No one would CHOOSE to have this hair do if they had hair! Do people think I had it 'done' like this?"  She is right, would you go to a salon and ask for "The Post Chemo Pubey Salt n Peppa Approaching Don King Curly" do? Does this hairdo show up in ANY hair magazine on the planet? If so, I'd like to see it. 

It's fucking ugly. It's not my color either. I used to be a strawberry blond. 

I feel bad complaining about something so vain and trivial like hair. Yes, I am grateful every fucking day to be alive when some of my Pink Sisters are truly fighting for their lives right now. I have hair and life guilt and I know many women feel exactly like me. They, too, hate their hair and feel guilty talking about it. Well, I'm giving you all permission to bitch and moan away. It's ok. Cancer has robbed us of most of what makes us feel "feminine". Now we feel, dare I say this word, Butchy. 

I got myself gussied up for the wedding the other night, doing my best to look like a girl. I look at the pictures of myself from that night and I just don't recognize me. I still have a hard time with this, I suppose.  

A few blogs ago, I wrote about "Loving myself, no matter what".  I still love myself, I just hate my hair. Does that make sense? 

Next year at this time, I'm sure I will look back on this blog and laugh. I will probably be complaining about something new, like how my hair is making me hot or it costs too much to cut! 

Overcoming Cancer's Hairy Situations

I really hate my hair.  

I know, I know, this is something you hear women say all the time. But this lady was recently bald. Her hair is growing back in full swing. I should be happy, right?

Well, at first, I was ECSTATIC. I chronicled every little wisp that sprouted up.  That peach fuzz was endearing and cute. Until it started morphing into a salt and peppa 'Fro. Now, it's just plain Fugly. Yes, that's right. I'm going to sound like a whiny, complaining bitch for having hair on my head. You're probably saying to yourself, "You should be happy it's growing!" or, "It's really pretty on you! If I didn't know you, I'd think you had it CUT that way!"

Oh, really? Do people really have their hair dyed and cut EXACTLY like this? Do people chose  hairstyles like this? Let me tell you, it's only going to get worse if the curls keep curling. I can't seem to gel it, comb it or do ANYTHING with it. And please don't tell me to put a head band on because that's even sadder on this do. And my beloved hats that I loved a few months ago? I can't even stand the feel of them anymore. This hairdo is for the birds. Literally. In fact, I think a bird was nesting in there earlier today but I was too tired to disturb it.

I had counseled myself through baldness by saying to myself and others, "Hair is so overrated. Every girl should be bald at least once in her life, just to feel how liberating it is! I may even STAY bald, or at least keep a very short hair do. I really don't miss my old hair. It was SUCH a pain in the ass to do. Don't let your hair DEFINE you."

Well, I believe every word of that to be true but now I just want to fast forward a few inches. I'm really not asking for Rapunzel. Nurse Jackie will do just fine!

When I was bald, this is what I heard:

"You look great bald! I can really see your face now!"

"Don't ever have long hair again!"

"Your head is just so perfectly shaped!"

And people stared at me in public if I didn't wear a hat or scarf. The looks were mostly of pity, discomfort, or a little sadness. So, one day, while having coffee with my girlfriends, I made this sign. I said, "If I could make a T-Shirt, this is what it would say!"

(God, I really do have a nice head! And yes, middle fingers were intentional.)

Now, when I go out in public, people just stare at my hair. Like, "Dear Lord, woman, who cut your hair, Stevie Wonder?"

And there's no hiding from it. It's pitiful. Yes, I know there are worse things in the world. Trust me, I get it. It's my blog and I'll vent if I want to.

My biggest fears are no longer about cancer. Do you know what I am scared of? That I'm going to look like a 32 year actress who plays a 14 year old Jewish boy named Jacob at his Bar Mitzvah. That is exactly where this hairdo is headed. See below.

Papa can you hear me? 

I guess this hair growing process is another fucking metaphor for the "Cancer Journey". 

There is no easy way around it and you just have to go through it. Things are going to get ugly, and strange, and wild. You can't skip past the chemo crapfest or the awkward curls.

Life, in general is like this. You'd like to fast forward through a Jacob In Progress but you can't.  Keep your head held high, smile, and dab on some lipstick so you at least look like a girl. 

And if that isn't for you, just wear a paper bag over your head until the birds have left the nest. 

Becky's Homemade Granola

Love granola but don't like all the added sugar and other "stuff" they put in there that's not so natural? It's super easy and fun to make! And if you buy your ingredients in bulk you will save money and always have everything on hand to make a batch. There are tons of recipes on the internet and luckily, granola is very versatile and you can mix and match whatever kinds of nuts and seeds you like. Don't feel committed to just using the ingredients below. Try pumpkin seeds, pecans, walnuts, cashews, or unsweetened coconut mixed in with the oats before cooking. 

I like this version because it doesn't use brown sugar but takes its sweetness from honey and maple syrup. The addition of cinnamon and vanilla add a nice touch, too.

Here you go! (Oh, I would make a double batch if I were you)

Becky's Homemade Granola

2 cups raw Old Fashioned oats

1/2 cup sliced raw almonds

1/4 cup raw sunflower seeds

large pinch salt

1/2 tsp cinnamon

2 TBSP maple syrup

1 TBSP raw honey

2 TBSP coconut oil (I buy mine at Trader Joes but I'm sure you can find it anywhere now, it's so popular. It comes in a jar and has many uses! Get some now!!)

1/2 tsp vanilla

Preheat oven to 300. 

In a large bowl, combine the first 5 ingredients using your hands.

In a glass measuring cup, combine the maple syrup, honey, and coconut oil. The coconut oil is solid from the jar when you scoop it out. That's ok.  Microwave the ingredients in the measuring cup for about 20 seconds and stir it up so the oil is now looking like oil and mixes into the other ingredients. If needed, micro a little more to melt it. Add the vanilla and stir.

Pour this liquid mixture over the dried ingredients and toss well to ensure all is covered with the liquid.  It won't look very wet and that's ok. Just coat it all evenly. You can also use your hands if you'd like but I use a spatula.

Transfer it to a large rimmed cookie sheet in a single layer. I line mine with parchment paper because it cleans up easier. Place in oven for 10 minutes. After the 10 minutes, stir the mixture around so it cooks evenly. Every 2-3 minutes, open the oven and toss again.  It can brown very easily, too fast, so be careful. The mixture on the right is a little too overdone for my liking and the one on the left is just about right. These 2 pans were in the same oven for the same time but the one on the right was on the bottom oven rack, so beware!

When it's done, remove from oven and let it sit in the pan. Every so often, toss it around. It will harden as it cools. Once it is cooled, you can add dried cranberries, chocolate chips, flaked coconut, etc.

Store in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks. 

Enjoy by itself as your breakfast with milk, mixed in with hot oatmeal to make that even more exciting, over ice-cream, or yogurt. It's yummy. Hope you like it!

Not Yo Typical New Year's Resolutions

I generally don't make resolutions but this year, I have plenty. They are in no order of importance.

1.  Use a blow dryer for its intended purpose

2. Refrain from changing any toilet paper rolls in the house just to see how long it takes them to do it.

3. Clean out the clutter in my life. This includes emotional clutter.

4. Touch my toes and get up from a seated position without grunting

5. Find more uses for coconut oil

6. Resist the temptation to buy Hello Kitty panties for my dental-hygienist 

7. Stop hoarding groceries in my house like I live on the prairie and I'm 100 miles from the nearest mercantile

8. Breathe more

9. Try to vacuum up as many Rainbow Loom rubber bands as possible 

10. Delete any friends from my Facebook list who continue to whine and complain about absolute nonsense or are chronic attention seekers

11. Try to stop whining so much

12. Act on every great idea I have

13. Detoxify the house. This includes making my own laundry detergent and cleaning products and ridding of all products that have been deemed toxic for both body and home.

14. Try to keep my car cleaner

15. Pay as little for TV watching as possible while getting the most bang for our buck

16. Get more sleep

17. Fashion a set of sheets that allows the spouse to be warm and me to be cool

18. Become more techno savvy

19. Add more interesting shapes to my pancake repertoire
20. Have more sex dreams about Don Draper
21. Get the farting and VARTING problem under control
22. Keep better contact with friends and family, especially the far away ones
23. Stop apologizing to strangers in stores when THEY bump into me
24. Forgive and forget
25. Learn to accept a compliment by simply saying "Thank You" instead of downplaying whatever it is I'm being complimented for.
26. Educate my doctors more about breast cancer even though they think they already know it all
27. Be fearless

Happy New Year to you all! Please leave your questions and comments below and thank you for reading this year, and last. Peace and good health to all of you.