Friday, June 3, 2011

Forrest Gump was Right

Every time I reach into the box, my heart skips a beat. As my hands lightly caress the silky smooth, perfectly shaped square, my mouth begins to water. I pull it out of the box, giddy with excitement. I carefully open it.

Oh crap. They've done it again. They've somehow replaced the Ghirardelli chocolate square with a Kotex pantyshield. How could this have happened, again?

This is my recurring living nightmare each month. First it was the Always camp telling us girls to "Have a Happy Period". After discovering that their products do not have a built in tickling device, I boycotted, and switched over to Team Kotex which now markets their products like Forrest Gump.

If they really want us all to have a happy period, they should include a chocolate interspersed between all the pads instead of making each individual pad wrapped in jazzy, multi-colored plastic, only to disappoint yet another crazed woman. Why has this not happened yet? Why are they not getting it?

If you are a boy and cannot stand Ladies’ Days talk, then go scratch yourselves in the other room. But for my gal pals, read on.

The monthly Curse, Ant Flo, or your “Time” is up there with Death, Taxes and Laundry, so I know you all can relate.

My poor Portuguese friend got hers on her wedding day. My husband refers to her unfortunate event as her “Portuguese Wedding Present”(PWP). My friends and I like to speak in PWP code. But now the secret is out. You can use it too!

The PWP has been a major part of my life since I was 12. When she arrived, I was in complete denial and thought that brown color was a result of eating too much chocolate. And I refused to tell anyone until a few days had passed, even though my mother had prepared my sister and me by showing us a book about “Creation”. From what I gathered, chickens laid eggs and the man physically took his sperm (which I envisioned to be like holding a toothpick) in his hand and handed it to the woman. They both looked so happy in the picture and I never understood why.

After my brother read the book he said to my mother, “So your mother (our grandmother), had sex 12 times with your father?” She did have 12 kids so it all made perfect sense.

Over the years, Ladies' Days products have made some great strides since the “belt” era. And let's not forget what the cave women and my mother endured during GenRag. Envisioning her house of 12 kids (6 of them girls!) with a makeshift RagLine just makes me oh, so grateful.

The pads have taken off with wings, walls and channels. They can fly to the moon, win the Tour De France, and scale the Great Wall of China. The Tampons come in fluorescent colors and fold in half so you can fit them inside a Tic Tac case.

But no matter how jazzy you make Pretty Paddy or Talulah Tampon, they both end up in the same crime scene.


Ginny said...

LOL, now aren't you glad that you have 2 sons!!! BTW, my generation referred to it as "I got my friend." With friends like that, who needs enemies!!!!!
Great blog, Ms Beck.
P.S. Just think, you only have a few more years to put up with all this woman crap.:)

betsy said...

Excellent blog, Ms. Becky! I was 14 by the time "my friend" came to visit. I had long since given up hope of ever getting it, (I honestly believed that I was just different, and better come to grips with it) so when it did come, I had no idea what it was. I told my mother I was bleeding and needed a bandaid (for "down there"). For real! My mother yelled at me and said, "you are so stupid, you have your period, you dumb girl." My mother was not the most diplomatic of moms. Oh well, I got it, I had it, I am so happy to say I don't have it anymore. (No more PMS - yay!!) She was not a good friend anyway.

Becky's Big Bytes said...

Betsy, that is too funny! Thanks for sharing your story!!
And I'm so happy your friend jumped ship!!
Ps. How did you find my blog?

betsy said...

Oh yeah - it's Beverly (your aunt Bev's friend). I just use Betsy as a pseudonym sometimes. LOL!!

Alicia said...

Hysterical! Our Poor Portuguese Friend...or our Poor Portuguese Friend's hubby!