Mommy's Mystery Meltdown

My latest brainchild falls under the category of "What was she thinking?", especially in light of my post Halloween tirade just a few days ago. Clearly I am still under the influence.

Last night I suddenly thought, what if we unwrapped all of the chocolate-related candy, cut it up a bit, and then melted it all together. What if we took that mixture and spread it into a pan and made our own original candy?

Well, that is what we did and I'm still twitching.  If there is an AA group for people like me, last night would have been a great time for an intervention. But the kids  thought it was such a cool idea, I had to execute it. Who would think that just a short month ago my kids were eating kale and doing endless photo shoots with zucchini and jalapeno peppers? 

I've Googled "what to do with leftover Halloween candy" and have not found anyone who is smart (dumb) enough to do this. So, I am hoping this is an original idea. At least it is to me!

I had a few rules for this "recipe". Only chocolate. We used Twix, Reese's, Milky Ways, Butterfingers, Snickers, Whoppers, Milk Duds, Heath Bars, M&Ms, Baby Ruth, Three Muskateers. We omitted anything with mint like Junior Mints or Peppermint Patties because we thought it would conflict with the peanut flavors.

Nicolas hard at work unwrapping

Luca happily parting with some of his candy. Ninja focus.

Getting ready for the heat

Yes, I am aware that it looks like poop but don't be fooled!

In the end, it tasted great!

We melted the chocolate over very, very low heat. We lined a baking pan with wax paper, then poured the mixture into the pan. We let this cool a bit and then topped with M&Ms and then stuck in the fridge.

Once it hardened, it was cuttable into a bark or chunks.  You could use this for the holidays too! Or, keep the mixture and then chop it up later to use as a sundae topping.

There are many combinations you could do. I'd love to try one with Mounds and Peppermint Patties or Junior Mints.

What I really liked about this candy bar was that I never knew what I would bite into next. One second I tasted a Butterfinger chunk, the next, a Whopper.  It was really a collision of all of my favorite worlds in one pan.

Of all the meltdowns I've had as a mother, this one was, by far the best! 

Post Halloween Blues

Today is the Halloween Hangover day: The day that all teachers dread  and all mothers step on the scale and say "What the F........"

I read this blog last week about alternatives to giving out candy on Halloween. It's from a well meaning mom in NYC who believes we should think outside the candy bag for once. She offers alternatives to candy like toys, bubbles, trail mix, etc.

At first glance, I thought she was off her rocker. After all, Halloween is just once a year. When else can we indulge in a little treat?

Ha! Let me count the ways. There's Valentine's Day, Easter, B-days, Christmas, New Years,  weekends, Mondays, Tuesdays, PMS Days, stressful days, and right now. I don't need a designated day to tell me when it's OK to eat candy. I do it all the time if it's in an arm lengths radius. As my motto goes, I eat chocolate in the closet, sometimes fist fulls at a time. I eat the kids' fruit snacks; also in the closet and sometimes in the bathroom. An addict will get her sugar whenever she can, even if it's sitting on the toilet with the door closed and her kids think she's doing #2.

So Halloween is not a good time for me. My 2 little boys' combined weight totals 100 lbs. The combined weight of their trick or treat candy from last night weighs (as of this writing) 6 lbs. I actually stepped on the scale with the bag and it was actually a very good inspiration when I saw the added weight on the scale.

Who is going to eat all of this candy? Even if I let the kids eat 1 piece every day for the next 2 months, there will be leftover. So what's a parent to do? Well, like most of you we just eat it. We hide some of it "for later" (like a future pinata or goodie bags) but mostly, we slowly chip away at it and the kids are oblivious. They just don't get the scope of how much they have.

Another school of thought is to throw it away. Well, that is just wasteful when there are empty candy dishes all across America! And truly, it's like throwing money away. I just can't bring myself to trash it. The only good solution is to donate to the soldiers somewhere, but where? Anyone?

So maybe the NYC mom is right? How much candy does one kid need? If the end result is that the parents are eating it for fear of wasting it, then isn't that a sin too? The added poundage which requires so much more gym time, the jittery feelings from too much sugar, and just the general feeling of overindulging are enough to make you re-evaluate Halloween.

I love the dressing up, the decorations, and the kids' excitement. What I don't like is the indigestion, the begging for more and the feelings of self-loathing (and they are palpable....just look at your FB wall today and see what your friends are saying about the "Day After".)

All this crazy talk could just be the sugar talking. If I have scared any of you, I am truly sorry. Boo!!

The Joys of LadyHood and the Rock Solid Case for a Vasectomy

 

(Just Google it if you don't know what this is. I can't talk about it.)

In this world, there are a handful of men who refuse to get a vasectomy after their wives are done having babies. For some reason, the 'ole "snip snip" scares them and they almost act like this safe outpatient procedure is similar to an amputation.  While nothing could be further from the truth, there is still no convincing the guys who flat out refuse to do it.  While this doesn't personally affect me, it still infuriates me. Why do I care? Because women must endure so much more throughout their entire life spans, starting at a very early age and I've come to the conclusion that not only is God a man but he has a twisted sense of humor when it comes to dishing out torture.

To set the record straight, I love men and I'm not here to bash you. This isn't about who does more housework, cooking, or errands. It's pure biology and for that, you cannot help that you are a male. Guys, you've got it easy.

Here is my case for why all applicable men should do the noble thing. Drive yourselves to the doctor with your heads held high (but not too high or the procedure might not work.)

1.  Bobby pins, barrettes, bows and patent leather shoes

2. Menstruation, bloating, cramps, headaches, mood swings. A wise woman (my mom) once said, "Every man in his lifetime should experience at least ONE period."  Is there nothing grosser than this, every. single. month? After getting mine for 34 years, you'd think that I wouldn't marvel so much about the grotesqueness that is MENstruation.  But I still do.

2. Freedom: You can sit with your legs wide open at work, at the ball field, or at a wedding without anyone calling the cops.

3. You will never hear your male ObGyn say during your exam, "You know, you can have this lopsided breast fixed". Oh wait, you don't have an ObGyn. Sorry.

4.Stirrups. Cold. Metal. Hard. Stirrups.

5. Lip waxing, eyebrow waxing, bikini waxing, plucking and shaving

6. Mammograms. Cold. Metal. BoobVice.

7. You're 12 years old. It's a hot summer day and you have "Your friend". All of your real friends are swimming but you are on the sidelines with striped gym shorts over your bathing suit and  Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret? tucked under your Shaun Cassidy beach towel pretending you have an ear infection.

8. High Heels

9. Post baby bra shopping and getting measured by a perky 24 year old

10. Peri-menopause: Insomnia, mood swings, memory loss, insatiable appetite, hot flashes, did I say memory loss?

11. Menopause: See #10

12. Leaky nipples, leaky bladders, leaky eyes from watching too many Rice Krispy Treats commercials

13. Pregnancy, Childbirth, AfterBirth. The pain, the weight gain, incontinence, the saggy droopy body that follows, the crying, the covering your sore nipples in the shower, never sleeping a full night, ever again. Until you die.

14. Spanx, thongs, under wires, pantyhose

15. Vag Rejuv

16. A closet full of ill-fitting Mom Jeans

17. An encyclopedia of Female problems: Fibroids, Endometriosis,  ovarian cysts,  infertility problems, yeast infections, HPV, tipped uterus, prolapsed uterus, lumpy breasts

18. Putting a maxi-pad on in the dark, the wrong way.

The Prosecution rests.

Lazy or Industrious? You decide....

I do many things the long and hard way. I make pizza dough, chicken stock, and pretty much everything from scratch. However, there are many areas of my life in which I am just a lazy ass which just shows I am a mass of swirling contradictions. Or, am I just trying to find the right balance?

"How lazy are you?" you ask?

• I am so lazy that if I drop my razor in the shower, I pick it up using my toes so I don't have to bend over.
• I am so lazy that when I empty the dishwasher and find a fork that is still dirty, instead of washing it by hand, I put it back in the dishwasher. Said fork has endured at least 5 cycles and it's still not clean. And a mug with hot chocolate goop has endured 4 cycles because I feel it is the dishwasher's duty to make it clean, not mine.
• I am so lazy that if I leave my shoes somewhere in the house and need to put them away, I slip them on my feet and walk myself to the closet. Again, so I don't need to bend over. (Also, I only buy slip on shoes so that this is possible).
• I am so lazy that the other night I wanted to watch a new DVD. Removing the wrapper was too much effort so I didn't watch the movie.
• If something is really funny and I don't have the energy to laugh I just say "LOL" instead.

How lazy are you?

Textercising

Have you ever been at the gym and felt the need to text your BFF? Fear no more. I have come up with a new edition called Textercising.  If you missed out on the Christmas version, click here, or the Hurricane Irene version, click here.

(This blog is dedicated to Kristen and Julie who both know why. What happens in the locker room, stays in the locker room.)

Now, let's get moving. I will not be held responsible if you fall off the treadmill while texting any of the following. (I have you covered for the locker room chatter too.)

1. PWOT:  Picked Wedgie on Treadmill
2. MHIP: Munchkins Hiding in Pockets
3. MMATBA: Meet Me At Taco Bell After
4. SCOHISD: Suspicious Clump of Hair in Shower Drain
5. TOLASASAG: Two Old Ladies Are Sharing A Shower and Giggling
6. IPIS:  I Peed In Shower
7. RBJSCIU: Retina Burnin Just Saw Coworker in Underwear
8. LDAAT: Look Down At All Times
because....
9. IFMFILR: It's Full Moon Friday In Locker Room
10. DTTMMCTLF?: Do These Tights Make My Camel Toe Look Fat?

A Fond Farewell to a Fabulous CSA Season

This week marks an important milestone for Confreda Farms and Gardens. It is the final Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) pickup *sniff* sniff *  I have gotten really spoiled by farm fresh, unique, flavorful produce. I've photographed it, played with it, stored it, frozen it, donated it, used it for pot lucks, and found ways to cook things I've never seen before.

Mostly,  I was successful.  And other times, I bombed and wasn't brave enough to blog about it. Like the time I made kale chips and added too much salt. My kids were so excited about them (I know, very strange), but then ... it was just a big mess of salty crunchy kale. Inedible. I was so sad. My friend tried to salvage it by transforming it into a kale pesto/salt. We thought of many ways to use it but it wasn't meant to be.

I'll miss the kids playing with their food : )

I learned so much from this experience. I challenged myself to blog about it each week, sometimes more. It was sort of my own personal Julie and Julia project, without the weight gain and marital discord.  Here is a snapshot of what I learned from receiving a family CSA share.

1. A family share is a LOT of vegetables. If you are considering doing this next year and have a small family of 4 like me, then you may want to consider getting a single share.  OR, get the family share and split the cost with another family and divvy it up. It's really fun and creates a great sense of community.

2. The veggies lasted longer in the fridge than I thought they would.  Some items carried over into the next week and were still very fresh.

3. There are no limits to what a zucchini can do. 

4. Jarring food is easier than I thought and proved to be a great alternative to "eating it all" in one week.

5.  Never underestimate the power of a trip to the farm and a box filled with mystery. It will make your kids so excited about trying something new, even a whole jalapeno pepper which will make one of them dance around the house like a Mexican jumping bean. (He should have Stopped Dropped and Rolled.)

6. The following had never crossed my palate until the CSA: Wax beans, kohlrabi, baby Thai eggplant, white eggplant, purslane. Loved 'em all and will now be on the lookout in the grocery stores.

7. It is possible to manage your family sized share with only one refrigerator. Challenging? Yes. But completely possible.

8. I no longer like veggies. I LOVE THEM. 

Thank you Confreda's for a great experience and for broadening the horizons of the big and little people in my house.  We are all much better off than we were 4 months ago, thanks to you!

Apple Crisp: Who doesn't love it?

Who doesn't love a good apple crisp? If you've been apple picking or are a CSA member and have been lucky enough to receive some gorgeous Cortland apples, here is a great way to put them to good use!
The recipe calls for peeled apples but I get too lazy or busy and just slice them and leave the skins on. This is also more nutritious : ). And if you've never seen this classic Honeymooners episode on coring A apple, click here.

Apple Crisp

(4 generous servings)

Ingredients
5-6 Cortland apples
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1tsp to 1TBS lemon juice
1/2 cup water
1 cup sugar, or less if you want
3/4 cup unsifted all purpose flour
1/2 cup butter

Peel and slice the apples into a buttered 9 inch square baking pan. Sprinkle with the spices and add the lemon juice and water over the top.

Mix the flour and sugar, and work in the butter to make a crumbly mixture. Spread this over the fruit.
Bake uncovered in 350 degree oven about 1 hour, or until the fruit is tender and the crumbly crust is lightly browned. Serve warm with vanilla ice cream.

Variations

• Use 1/2 cup white sugar and 1/2 brown sugar
• Add 1/4 cup of quick cooking oats into the flour/sugar mixture before adding the butter.
• Add some sliced toasted almonds.
• Throw in dried cranberries or any frozen fruit you have on hand, blueberries, strawberries etc.