Fantasy Tax Deductions

Happy tax season to all! I happen to be sleeping with my tax man so our deductions are always documented very clearly. *Wink*Wink* (Yes, it's my husband who files ours each year, in case you are slow on the uptake.)

There's been some new talk about offering a tax credit for breastpumps to encourage mothers to breastfeed. While this seems like a genius idea to many, I am highly suspicious of grandpas, grandmas and 18 yr old boys going to Babies R'Us just to get the pump/receipt and sucking Uncle Sam dry once again.

This makes me think about what other deductions I'd like to see as they pertain to our household.

For the year 2011, I'd like to deduct the following. All living here rent free:

• Legos


• Hot Wheels cars


• Fisher Price Little People


• Megablocks


• Stuffed animals (also known as "Mamauchies" by Nana Ginny)


• Stickers


• Crayons


• Coloring books


• Games


• The Pet Rock named, you guessed it, "Rocky" who has been taking up residence in a yogurt container in the bathroom sink. He currently requires a regular dosage of ice to keep him alive.


• The 5 Cox cable men who have bunked here for the better part of January.

And lastly:

Time spent shoveling snow, hearing people complain about the snow, looking at the snow, wondering how come they don't know how to drive in the snow, and how many cookies I baked (and ate) because of the snow.

What would you like to deduct this year? All fantasies welcome here!

Stars get gassy too, you know

I'm glad the Oscars are over. And the SAGs. And the Golden Globes. How many more awards shows do we need to stroke some already big egos? Why aren't there more awards shows for doctors, teachers, military members, scientists, chocolatiers, and MOTHERS? I guess that might be another blog?

Over time, the Red Carpet has evolved into more of a catwalk (or rather Catty Walk!). I am amazed at how much Monday morning quarterquacking we do in the following days and months when there are so many other news stories to report. Soldiers dying, jobs lost, mudslides, and mayhem. Yet, Sandra Bullock's hemline is the opening story.

Don't get me wrong. I love going to the movies. I love the escape of it all; two glorious hours of uninterrupted time to myself. I love to just sit and be entertained by someone who doesn't always have Thomas the Train undies on his head.

And I do watch all of these awards shows. I just can't help it. Even if I don't know who's nominated, I am compelled to watch The Red Carpet. Since I am fashionistically impaired, I like to see what the latest trends are... should I someday win the futuristic BOTY (Blogger of the Year) Award, I want to be sure that I don't make the Worst Dressed List, or even worse, the "B*tch Stole My Look" list. Nothing screams desperation more than wearing the same meat dress as Lady Gaga.

I'm always flummoxed by the depth of criticism cast by our media. Whether it's Al Roker, Joan Rivers (who is always right), Kelly Osbourne (how did SHE become a fashion critic?) or Perez Hilton (gag me). We are so very hard on our stars if they don't accessorize with just the right necklace, shoes, barrette, lipstick, or nipple ring.

We say things about Nicole Kidman's Golden Globe attire:

"I was very underwhelmed by her dress".

Really? Because I think the girl could throw a burlap sack over her body and look gorgeous. And her Oscar dress is already getting lousy reviews. During her red carpet interview last night she referred to her dress as "Comfortable. It doesn't look it, but it is!" she cheered. Was she overcompensating for a dress that was already getting tepid reviews? Poor thing. Can't a girl dress for comfort without being publicly humiliated? It's not like she was wearing a tutu, for heaven's sake!

Each year we set the bar higher and higher and hyper-scrutinize the stars who are really just people like you and me, only with airbrushing, better highlights, and donated jewels. Yes, it's hard to believe but they, too, use a toilet, get strange rashes, have hammer toes, and have occasional gas.

So when you are watching the next Red Carpet event, keep that in mind and maybe we all won't be so hard on their fashion choices.

Tutus and Fuzzy Boots

I am not sure when I got so ornery about Tutus and Fuzzy Boots. My Facebook status updates are evidence enough that they are definitely thorns in my side. I am hoping that if I write about them, I will not feel so negatively about them. After all,they are just inanimate objects, so why doth I protest so much?

And there are some perfectly nice people wearing them. I guess it's just one of my "things".

I am going to offend someone here who either:

1. Has a cute little girl who wears a tutu every day of her life, whether the child is submitting to forcible tutu wearing or simply insists on donning her tutu for all occasions.

2. Is a grown woman, child or infant who is wearing the UGGs, or some variation of the Fuzzy Boots.

So, you can hate me all you want. I get it. You have a right to wear or dress your child in whatever you want. Just like I have the right to wear my orange puffy coat with pink mittens in public. It really is all the same. So, I know I shouldn't judge and obsess, but I do. And here is why.

Tutus are in essence, a ballerina's uniform. They are technically not clothing for everyday. Would you dress a child in a lab coat, police uniform, or chef's hat every single day? No, that would be like Halloween or "Take your son to work" day apparel. Now, if the kid wants to play dress up or is in a phase where s/he will not go out unless s/he can wear the tutu, then I get it. We do have to pick our battles.

But to enforce tutus as everyday garb is just wrong.

Putting a tutu on a newborn baby with stockings underneath. Wrong.

Wearing a tutu to Mystic Aquarium in 33 degree weather. Wrong.

Middle schoolers in tutus and purple tights. Wrong.

Grown up women shopping in Walmart, Target, or having fun at the Gymboree with a tot? Wrong.

Are you with me now?

I guess I'm really so over the Madonna phase and it just brings back memories of the mesh tops and tutus. Just a bad fashion era. Period. Little girls are being socialized into these princesses so early on...when does it end? Only one can marry Prince William and I don't see her rockin' a tutu in the palace.

Perhaps I just don't get the fashion of today. I have 2 boys and don't run into these fashion dilemmas. In fact, the boys clothes are sorely lacking in variety. Is it possible I have Tutu Envy? Does this deep seated dislike stem from the fact that I never took dance lessons?

Now, onto the Fuzzy Boots or FBs. I might almost be "over" these. I think my disdain is really about women of, how shall I say it....a certain age, who should not be wearing them. Especially with pajama pants in public. Not like at the bus stop, but out to lunch, shopping, etc. Or seniors who are trying to look like they are part of the GenFB. Wrong. I think the young kids, under 22 can pull off this look and some older women too, if they wear the right pants with them.

But if you pair it up with a tutu, then I may have a full blown seizure.

The FBs do look nice and warm and cozy so you'd think I'd like them. I am all about comfort and warmth. But yesterday I saw a girl wearing a pair and I swear it looked like a Lhasa Apso on each leg with the fur cascading down her calves. I almost threw her (them) a Snausage.

So, the traditional FBs I think I'm OK with. But the ones who bark and go fetch....not so much.

As far as tutus go, I'm on the hunt for one in my size and hope to conduct a social experiment to see if I can rid myself of my Toxic Tutu Tantrums by wearing one in public to see what all the fuss is about.

There, I said it all. Love me or leave me.

Life's Not the Breath You Take....

"But life's not the breath you take, the breathing in and out.

That gets you through the day, ain't what it's all about.

You just might miss the point trying to win the race.

Life's not the breaths you take

but the moments that take your breath away"

These are some lyrics from George Strait's latest song "The Breath You Take". I only needed to hear it one time and I was sobbing. George has an amazing ability to drive home a message in the simplest way while hitting you in the gut.

The song made me think really hard about my own life and which moments have taken my breath away. It also made me stop and realize that my day to day life is filled with so many of these moments. I only need to take a second to step away from the mundane activities to see the beauty all around me.

What moments have taken your breath away?

Below are some of mine. Some of the breaths were full blown gasps, while others were subtle whispers of air. Others....somewhere in between. And I make no apologies for the level of corniness you are about to read.

1. The births of both my children

2. Hitting a double when I was a 10 year old perpetual strike out.

3. Watching footage of children reunited with a military mom or dad.

4. The night my husband proposed. Shocked the knickers off me after duping me into carving an entire pumpkin for his school project, then hiding the ring inside.

5. Then the ear to ear Jack O Lantern smile from my dad after we told him.

6. Hearing Corinna Calise sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on my answering machine.

7. Watching my kids cuddle up together

8. Having all my brother's kids reunited with our family for a photo shoot. Seeing the boys (who are now men) still acting like goof balls, made my heart smile big.

9. On my wedding day, when the photographer first said, "Turn your head toward your husband". Pure butterflies!

10. Watching my son present the baby Jesus during Christmas Eve mass.

11. Winning a spelling bee in the 5Th grade.

12. Any Christmas morning

13. Watching the utter shock on my husband's face when I told him I was pregnant with our second miracle baby.

14. The surprising pangs I feel watching my 2ND grader walking into school on any given day.

15. Discovering IKEA for the first time. Sort of like being in Disney, Bed & Bath, and OZ at the same time. Magical!

16. A chocolate cream pie from Zaccagnini's Bakery for my birthday. (B-day is in March, in case you need to plan ahead)

I'd love to hear about what takes your breath away. I have many more to share too, but I'm going to run out of oxygen if I keep writing! Just wanted to get the convo started.....

Teen Mom vs. Peri-Meno-Mom

Over the weekend, I actually had about an hour to myself. One kid napping, the other at a friend's house. I could have exercised, slept, baked, or phoned a friend. What did I do instead, you ask? I turned on MTV and watched Teen Mom 2

If you are unfamiliar with this show, it's about real life teen moms who are trying to make it work. Most of the girls are living with their parents, or their baby daddy's parents. Some are still in high school, trying to graduate. One is losing custody of her son to her own mother. Another is petrified that one of her twin girls is not developing properly. Her story was heartbreaking to watch. Damn you MTV! I just wanted a little mindless TV and you give me this?

I am not here to judge the Teen Moms or make a big political statement about birth control or abstinence. Although I do think God has a strange sense of humor when he passes out babies to certain people; not the teen moms, per se. Just in general. I do applaud them for trying their best and I'm rooting for all of them.

But I do have a few issues with the Teen Moms that make me wonder who has the leg up: The Teen Mom or the Peri Menopausal Mom? Since I am one of the "Advanced Maternal Aged" mothers, I thought I'd offer a little perspective on who might have it easier. Or not.

The Teen Mom

1. She has better highlights than me.

2. She has a nicer vehicle than me.

3. She has prettier finger nails than me.

4. She gets a lot of Girlfriend time.

5. She has mastered the art of holding a baby like it's a sack of spuds on her hip. All the moms flop their little tater tots around in the same way, like they all took the same Small Fry class, perhaps?

6. She has lost all her baby weight before leaving the hospital.

7. She doesn't care about hurting her "in-laws'" feelings.

8. It's OK to change baby's diaper on the floor of a public rest room and say "Eww, sorry baby, this is gross", minimizing the 'ick' factor of the experience.

9. You can live with your baby daddy and his parents while simultaneously announcing you are "In a relationship" with someone else on Facebook. But then you get grounded for it which really sucks.

10. The teen mom will be a grandma by the age of 32 and a great grandma by age 48 (if history repeats). The plus side here is that she will be young enough to baby sit all the babies her babies are having. Down side? She will be spending her life baby sitting her baby's baby's baby's babies til she dies.

The Peri-Meno-Momma

1. She has a higher FICO score.

2. She doesn't need to have her Mommy cosign for a cell phone.

3. Her vehicle is paid for.

4. She's old enough to drink.

5. And vote

6. And have a gym membership she doesn't use.

7. All her friends throw lavish baby showers, thus eliminating the need to buy anything for baby until he's two.

8. She can afford a Spanx to conceal the baby weight she hasn't lost yet.

9. She has lower auto insurance rates.

10. Her grandchildren will have to wheel her around and change her diapers

11. And although she was nominated for a Saggy Award, she really doesn't care because her spouse can no longer see very well and those things really aren't that important to him. Well, that's what he says, anyway.


Who do you think has it easier or better? Do share your thoughts below!

To Pluck or Not to Pluck?

Somewhere along the line women became extremely high maintenance. Think about all the things women pay other people to do to look nice.

Hair color, waxing, threading, microderming, facials, pedis, manis, laser hair removal, you get the picture. Now, before you think I am promoting the Nana Rosie look, hairy mole, pits and all, think again. I am all for upkeep or as my mom calls it, "The Overhaul". This is when she devotes an entire morning or evening to hair removal and primping; all in the privacy of her own bathroom. Really, no one needs to see that, right?

There are women reading this blog who are probably accustomed to pampering themselves on a regular basis in a salon or spa. I am not one of those gals as I can't afford it nor do I pretend to afford it by charging services like this. Also, the last time I had a pedicure (3 years ago when I was 80 weeks pregnant), the pedicurist talked so much about her family problems it really sucked all the relaxation out of the experience for me. It was supposed to be my last hurrah for myself and it stunk, big time. Of course, this is not a generalization of all pedi/mani experiences. It just wasn't worth it for me.

We have so many products available to do it ourselves and yet we pay other people 20 times more in a salon. If you are feeling the pinch and are afraid to do it yourself....
Fear not little ladies!

I spend next to nothing maintaining myself in the comfort of my own home. I do splurge on massages from time to time as I suffer chronic pain and this is my treat to myself for my health and well-being. I get regular hair cuts, about every 7-8 weeks. And that's where my primping ends. The rest is up to me.

So you wonder....just how does she remove all the unwanted hair? Well, I use this thing called a tweezers. It's metal. Some folks use it to remove splinters. I use it to pluck my eyebrows. Seriously, shaping your brows is not rocket science. And who likes having hot wax ripped off their head? I know, you can do the threading technique. But that, too, costs money.

As far as my Italian moustache. I use Sally Hanson creme remover. It costs about $6 and lasts me about 6 months. I can apply the cream to my upper lip, or a goatee if it's really out of control. The cream sits for 10 minutes and after it's removed, voila....hair be gone! And the looks my kids give me are priceless. They think Bozo the Clown has moved in.

I do have some gray hair (on my head). Luckily, not that much but enough to make me want to color it. For this I use Garnier Nutrisse Brown Sugar #63 and my mom colors it for me in my kitchen. I know I am saving at least $60 by doing it at home and the bonding time with my mother is priceless! Every so often, I use the highlighting kit, also by Garnier. Same price, great results.

I sell Mary Kay skin care and cosmetics on the side (which means I get all the products at cost). To keep my skin looking alive, I use Mary Kay's Microdermabrasion kit. It retails for $55. My cost is half that and one kit will last at least 6 months. ONE salon microderm treatment will cost $100. You can buy your own kit and pay several dollars per treatment. And you can find many good products over the counter. Start looking!

Instead of having my legs or other parts waxed. I use this other insanely inventive tool called a razor.

To keep my feet soft (they are a nightmare in the winter!), I use Mary Kay's pedicure set, complete with foot file, soaking tablets, etc. No backtalk from the manicurist allowed.

I don't paint my nails, so no manicures for me. Some girls really like to have their nails done regularly. However, if you are struggling financially, the manis probably aren't as important as feeding the family. Just my opinion.

So there you have it. Home remedies for keeping up your appearance on next to nothing. If you are worried you will no longer have your alone time away from the hubby and kids, just lock yourself in the bathroom and give yourself The Overhaul.

P.S. Please share your home beauty treatments here. I am sure I missed a body part or two.

I'm Missing the Clean Gene

The secrets to a tidy house are:

1. Set a cleaning schedule. Tackle one room each day.
2. Follow your children around all day with a DustBuster
3. Disable your Facebook account.

Ah, screw it, who am I kidding? I hate to clean. It's the most unsatisfying and counterproductive activity. If you're reading this blog looking for cleaning advice then you should probably log off now and waltz with your Swiffer.


Don't get me wrong, I really love walking into houses where there is no clutter in sight. So neat, tidy, almost museum-like. The kitchen counters are bare. The toy room has built in storage containers where everything is neatly organized and tucked away, as if there are no children actually living in the house.


But then I wonder, where the hell are they hiding all the dead bodies? They must have crap like me but where is it? This makes me very suspicious! And how do you function in a kitchen without a coffee pot or toaster in sight? It's all unsettling to me!


I know people who spend the better part of the weekend scrubbing their bathroom tile and vacuuming their garages (no lie). Honestly, if you vacuum your garage monthly, and there's nothing in your garage, then you have clearly run out of things to clean and should re-examine your priorities in life.

For me, cooking is so much more gratifying. At least when you roast a chicken you can plop it in the middle of the table for your peeps to enjoy. There is laughter and conversation. But if your time is spent in a threesome with Tilex, rubber gloves, and a sponge then well, where's the joy? After the tub is cleaned, do you invite your company over so you can all sit around the tub with a glass of Pinot, admiring your reflections in the chrome?

Oy.


I think the clean gene skipped a generation. My mother cleaned the house every Saturday like clockwork so I can't blame her . Grampa Rico was a bit of a pack rat so I'm guessing I inherited my dishoarder from him. Unless we are having company, I will let things go for a while until the dust bunnies are back-talking. Now granted, we don't live like pigs and I do keep the important stuff clean. But battling the clutter, paper, toys, and stickers is a never ending battle, one that I feel like I'm always losing.


I am a bad mother. Or am I the BEST mother? I let the kids paint, do crafts, etc on the kitchen table. I don't banish them to the basement for these things. So there is always paper paper everywhere! They love to be creative just about anywhere in the house. And as much as I know we should limit where they do projects, well...I'm just not that strict. There are battles to be picked and for me, this is not one of them.


I heard recently that a cluttered brain makes for a cluttered house. If you've been reading this blog over the last year, you have probably deduced that I do have a lot of strange thoughts running rampant. I foolishly thought that writing a blog would help clear out the cob webs in my house and my head. Not so much. My brain is still swirling like a tornado and certain corners of my house look like they've been hit by one. There goes that theory.


I do wonder about kids who grow up living in the museum houses. Do they feel confined? Are they ever allowed to make a mess? Do they rebel later on in life like the kid who is raised a vegan and then in college he goes hog wild on Big Macs daily?


I don't think it's healthy growing up in a sterile, stark home. Nor do I think it's healthy to grow up in squalor. I really just want to find a happy medium. I want to like to clean, even just a little to get me by. I want to be neater and more organized. But I also want our home to feel and look like people live here, eat here, and play here.

So, looking back now at the beginning of my blog, I should at least follow #1. I don't own a Dustbuster and disabling FB is not happening. Perhaps every time I get the FB urge, I clean something?

Museum....here I come!

ps. Please share your thoughts below. Looking to hear from the clean, and not so clean : )